April 2002
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stuff
01 April, 2002 at 12:35 AM by Ren | Permalink
So, I really have a lot to say, I just don't think I'm going to say it just yet. It's all very raw and unstructured. I may post it all; I may not. Suffice it to say, it's been a weird few days.
Happy birthday to Jreese, and Happy Easter to you all!
I'll be back with more soon.
THIS FREAKING RULES
01 April, 2002 at 11:32 AM by Ren | Permalink
Decided I'd take a break after all this Class Schedule on the Web nonsense at work, and take an online test.
I couldn't be more pleased. Why, you ask? BECAUSE OF THIS!!!
I tashte like Alcohol.
Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?
That freaking rules.
I'll post more later...if I decide to post about my whole, you know weird mood.
The Nature of Things
01 April, 2002 at 06:04 PM by Ren | Permalink
A quick thought on my feelings as of late.
I pride myself on usually keeping everything in check. But lately, I've been all kinds of emotional. Haven't a clue why. It's terrible, and I hate when I get super emotional, cuz it always puts me in this terrible mood, because I insist on thinking about everything way too much.
I don't think i'll get into the specifics of what it was that was bothering me or what everyone was speculating about what was bothering me...It's not important for right now. I feel better, I have some stuff figured out in my head (I hope) and it should allow me to sleep a little better now. Plus a good old emotional release is good for our health once in a while. Even if mine just involves me being hellagrumpy.
I've resolved most of what it is that I though about...at least in my head I have. That saves me a lot of mental stress I think.
All I do know is my mom loves me, she said so last night. Made me want to cry even.
Things are good; life is good. At least it will be from now on. : )
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts...
02 April, 2002 at 01:26 PM by Ren | Permalink
I was going to put this bitter-ass post about something that was really bothering me last night, but today (after a little sleep and some serious lack of thought) it seems inconsequential and silly, so I'm going to talk about something else : )
I know, I bet you're happy.
First: today, I'm going to play the hell out of "Missing" by Everything but the Girl...I forgot how much I like this song.
Second: Have you ever experienced a moment when all your problems, all your thoughts, anything that's giving you stress or drama in your life don't matter, because for one moment, everything goes perfectly well? I've had a few of those moments; they're really great cuz when you're in one, it feels like nothing is insurmountable...nothing else really matters, because everything right is happening *now.* Anyway...I had one of those moments on Saturday night; NO! it wasn't cuz I was piss drunk. I won't even tell you when "the moment" was because that will ruin it. If you were there on Saturday, you can figure it out. If not, you'll just have to wait til I'm on my death bed...I won't tell before then. If you were with me on Saturday and don't have a clue what I'm talking about, I still won't tell. It's my happy little secret : P
Anyway, Saturday wasn't the greatest night. It was a blast, but there was a lot of ugly funky feelings marring the whole thing (all my own, I can assure you) and it almost tainted my memory of the whole weekend. Luckily, looking at the moon last night reminded me of the moment on Saturday. I felt better after that...now having pondered "the moment" it makes me feel calm and happy and whatever. Yeah, I'm sappy. Screw you for saying it : ) But "the moment" did serve one good purpose, and that was to make me feel better a few days later. Yay.
I'll talk more later.
F*CK YEAH!
02 April, 2002 at 11:44 PM by Ren | Permalink
Y'all, i'm superpumped.
I just installed Moveable Type 2.0 on my website. In the next few days I'll be transitioning my website to run on MT. It'll result in way better comments and better updating and posting on my part. Very cool.
I was going to write about how I heart my mommy, but instead I worked on MT. I'll write about mom later : )
I do love you though, mom. With all my heart even : )
a thought
03 April, 2002 at 11:47 PM by Ren | Permalink
I was going to put this glowing thing about how much I love my mom today...but that sort of goes without saying. the only person who needs to know I love my mom, is my mom. She knows I love her infinitely; besides, I have something else I want to say.
I want to say this first. I'm not being bitter.
It's funny how quickly you can become important, or rather, seemingly important to someone. It's even funnier (or sad, take your pick) at how quickly you become seemingly unimportant to them. I guess infatuations have that effect on friends.
I'm not mad, just feeling a little dejected. You get used to hearing from someone all the time; about how their day went, about what's on their minds, about how much fun a particular video game is.
Then. Nothing.
Such is life, I guess. It never ceases to amaze me; life that is. It's oK though, because, you see, even though the infatuation will pass, I'll still be around. Ready to take on more friend abuse, and for the quiet desperation that would seem to be an unrequited love. Maybe someday, they'll see. They'll understand. And you know what? I'll still be there waiting.
Ok, enough with the drama. This website is a Mary J. zone. (you didn't think I could leave the post THAT serious, did you?)
*YaWn!*
04 April, 2002 at 01:41 PM by Ren | Permalink
I don't know if I've mentioned on the site about my recent bout with insomnia. I seriously thought about posting about it last night at 3 in the morning when I couldn't sleep.
Seems things have been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Not that you could tell or anything : ) Evidently, though, these things seem to be keeping me up, despite the tough fight by my favorite drug, Tylenol PM.
Normally, insomnia wouldn't be such a bad thing, but here's the clincher: I DRIVE 40 MILES TO WORK EVERY DAY. A long drive every day makes me very, oh I don't know, tired. Unfortunately, I STILL CANT SLEEP! On the upside, the 40 minute drive does give me a chance to decompress from my work day. And knowing my office is 40 miles away is a plus too. I know I won't end up at my office unless I have a good reason to be there. Still, having gotten a total of about...10 hours of sleep in the last 4 days is really starting to show on me. I'm getting grumpy, irritable, and ready to strangle stupid people. Seriously.
On the upside, I'm not eating nearly as much as I normally do. I could stand to lose a few pounds...I know, its not the best way to go about it, but my body isn't reacting negatively; it's telling me that I'm not hungry! Can't fight that logic can you?
On to another subject. Last night was something else. At the moment, it felt all earth shattering and devastating, but with some distance it seems more in line with my role to play in other people's lives. I'm not too bothered about it anymore. Dissapointed, yes. Bothered, no. I would appreciate a few phone calls of support and lurrve, though, but from specific individuals. You know who you are. Everyone else, dont' bother. I probably won't answer the phone. Especially if you're a bill collector. : )
One more thing: Because this is my website, and I can do whatever I want with it, I'm changing Chuck's name on the site. For his unerring capacity to always leave me questioning what the hell is going on in his head, AND his unique ability to continually amaze me (both good and bad, mind you) I'm heretofore changing his name to Wonderbread. Love it or leave it slave boy.
Life sucks. Life rocks. Life just is. I think I might go and take a walk or a short drive...it's probably just an excuse to find RollerMog and bum a cigarette off him though.
Love you RM! Right, now that this has turned into some kind of bad novel/journal/diary thing, I'm going now. I am at work you know; I should be doing "work" things. Whatever the hell that is.
p.s. I miss the evil lord skittles. Even though he hated me, he was still appreciative that I came home every night. I'm so going to get old and be a cat lady. *sigh*
Two in One Day!
04 April, 2002 at 10:55 PM by Ren | Permalink
I feel good.
Honestly. This morning, I was in a general state of funky depression stuff...I swear I have manic tendencies sometimes. That's beside the point, I feel much better now!
I got to talk to my good friend RollerMog. He simply listened to me tell him what was up...he said a few things...I elaborated on my feelings and he said that he understood. I couldn't believe it! Normally, he'd be the first to slap me silly and call me Susan. But he understood. That was all I needed to hear. I felt tons better. I knew I wasn't alone in the world or something. I swear, if there was a soundtrack to my life playing in the background, you'd hear choirs of angels or something else grandiose.
So, here's the deal. You can't help who you love. You just do. So, I'm going to do what I always do: keep trudging on. If it happens (which I believe in my heart it will, but that's another story for another time) it will. If it doesn't, there's no big loss...well maybe theirs, but not mine : )
Life rocks. Life sucks. Life is. I think I might adopt that as a motto or something. Still won't top "Tomorrow do your worst, for I have lived today."
and another thing...
06 April, 2002 at 03:53 AM by Ren | Permalink
It's very late right now; well not really, but late enough. I'm working on my website some, and I should be transitioning to Moveable Type this weekend sometime. I'm putting together new templates for my site to follow. Basically, I'm going to clean up the current templates I use for my site, and add a few little functional bits here and there.
Am I a glutton for punishment or what? It's not enough that I do webstuff all day, I have to do it on a Friday night when I should either be 1. sleeping or 2. partying. SICK dude, just SICK.
If I feel ambitious enough, I may transition the entire site to CSS based layout. Whatta concept! I don't know that I'm that ambitious though, at least not at home on the weekend. I seem to be more focused towards design at work...perhaps its the 20" monitor at work. Or the fact that my video card works properly there. Who knows.
BTW, its good to know you're alive WonderBread. Don't let me think you're dead again. I couldn't stand the thought.
Recap
07 April, 2002 at 01:35 PM by Ren | Permalink
Yeah, my last post made no sense; hello! i was drunk.
Wow, I really should stop drinking so much. Anyway, I have no clue what's going on. I'm in my boxer shorts typing this up wondering what I'm going to do with my day. Freaking daylight savings time has my panties in a wad too...I can't decide whether its 11:34 or 10:34. Well, I guess I'll recap some of the highlights of last night.
LadyOracle had some cute guy dance her up last night! hehehe He was clearly drunk, but it made for some interesting conversation. Krysdol took more pictures. Twirlergirl went to the club, and we danced a bit. I drank to excess as per my usual. I bet people think I have a drinking problem. fuck them.
That's about all that happened. There were some people I was hoping to see, but no such luck. Perhaps today...
Cripes!
08 April, 2002 at 10:22 AM by Ren | Permalink
I don't know why, but the comments aren't working. I'm turning them off for the time being until I can figure out why.
Much Lurrve, Ren
AUGH!
08 April, 2002 at 03:40 PM by Ren | Permalink
It seems everytime I fix one problem, I generate another.
THIS SUCKS! I may end up rebuilding the template I plan on using. I can't figure out where my error is.
talk more later.
Screw It!
08 April, 2002 at 04:02 PM by Ren | Permalink
Command Decision:
Because this is my website, and I can do whatever I want with it, I'm going to stop fussing with it today. I have messed with too many different aspects of it, and I now no longer have any clue what could be going wrong with it. SO I'm just going to work on it tomorrow.
ok, later.
As for what was on my mind, I'm working on a draft tonight. I may post it later tonight, maybe not. The more I think about it, the more I realize its a good post. So no one worry! I'll be oK, I'll be fine. To all my friends, I heart you all : ) You are my rocks, you keep me sane...even if I do sometimes keep you guessing. No one is allowed in my head. At least not yet.
Finally
12 April, 2002 at 03:58 PM by Ren | Permalink
Finally, it has happened to me, right in front of my face and I just can't deny it.
No, but really, I fixed the damn template so it will render properly. It actually needs quite a bit of work still, but the functionality is there. That's the important part. I haven't figured out where the javascript error is; I think i'll work on it this weekend.
It's been a good week. I realized a few things...like what people I can count on to be my friends...which people I will adore more than they will ever realize, stuff like that. I have a post about friends that i'll finish editing soon, and then post it. I swear.
Wonderbread, if you enjoy spending half as much time talking/hanging out/whatever as I do, then you must be enjoying yourself. Well, most of the time...hehehe except when we get tired as hell from being up til 3:30 in the morning doing laundry. It's true, I'm a sucker for his company. I'll take what I can get I suppose. And I guess I can understand not being good enough for the weekend : P it still sucks though!
I need to stop. I have to get ready to go home. I'll write more later.
Uno Mas
12 April, 2002 at 04:09 PM by Ren | Permalink
I think I got rid of the javascript error...I was missing a function somewhere from the transition from the old page to the new one...Fixed it!
You may go about your business.
A Density of Souls
14 April, 2002 at 12:14 AM by Ren | Permalink
It's been a long time since I've read a book. I read this nonfiction book on the history of my university, the place where I went to school, and where I work now. Very interesting. It seems the problems that plague the place now are the same ones that have plagued the instituition for the last 76 years. Good read if you're into that sort of thing.
I'm currently reading a novel by Christopher Rice, the son of Anne Rice. Totally consuming novel called A Density of Souls. I can't begin to tell you how much I like this book. READ IT NOW. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm barrelling towards the end wanting to know what happens!
It's exciting, I missed reading.
And yes, if you've noticed, I'm at home on a Saturday night. No drunken orgy of excess and dancing for me tonight. It's a nice change...
I have another thought, but I'm saving that one for tomorrow.
About School
14 April, 2002 at 09:51 PM by Ren | Permalink
This is something interesting that I hadn't really thought about posting before...I was talking to Krysdol over Toxic Hell the other night and I realized that within two years, I will have begun coursework on a Master's Degree. I'm pretty sure it will be in Marketing since that would really relate to my chosen career. It's scary, I'm not sure if I'm ready for school again. But I think I'm getting the bug to want to learn again...and it seems the time is right. Of course this could all be a cop out; by focusing on school, I can put aside other things that I could be cultivating. Still, the thought of more letters at the end of my name is inticing. It will make me more marketable...and definitely able to take on additional responsibilities at the higher education level. Maybe I'm getting ambitious in my old age.
Exciting stuff. I even dreamed that someday I'd have a Ph.D. or something...wouldn't THAT be a trip?
If you had asked me to consider any of this just a year ago, I would have said that you were crazy. It felt like such an alien thing to consider *more* school. Now it seems like its' totally necessary, and even part of my growth as a person. Maybe I'm just getting ambition and drive again. Who knows?
Episode II
15 April, 2002 at 10:52 AM by Ren | Permalink
There are 30 Days until the premiere of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.
I'm very excited.
talk more later
Archives
15 April, 2002 at 11:57 AM by Ren | Permalink
I'm working on recreating the archives...Hopefully, I'll have the basics done today; I'll get to fixing the templates later...ttyl
It's late, lets talk.
21 April, 2002 at 03:03 AM by Ren | Permalink
So, JReese and Krysdol just left my house, and I'm left suddenly feeling awake. I probably look like ass, because I was using Krysdol's butt as a pillow. Also, I might look like ass because it's 3 in the morning. Who's counting anyway?
So, I have a few things to say, but I doubt I'll actually post them tonight. It's funny how when you're not afraid of anyone reading what you say, you will say anything...when one person who's opinion you value, starts to read, then it matters. Besides, I'd best say those things in person.
You know, my life is good. I often forget that, because for whatever reason, I feel like I'm a failure on some level or something. Most people tell me otherwise, though. I guess they're right. I just bought my own car; I have my very own apartment; I make way more than the median salary in Corpus Christi; I depend on *no one* for anything. In all respects, I'm a pretty successful 25 year old. Strangely, I forget that all the time, and I just feel like a big dopey loser. Stupid, right?
I don't know. Maybe its because there are things in my life that I think I should have. Like a cat or a Playstation or something. I just don't have those things. Well, not yet. Maybe I will. Perhaps I'm just using cats and playstations as euphemisms for something else. It's late, and I don't think I'm making much sense.
Tomorrow should be an interesting day. I won't do a damn thing tomorrow. I cleaned my apartment today; perhaps I'll finally finish that laundry I've been doing for the last month. Who knows. Maybe I'll invite someone to go sneak into the belltower on campus.
You know, this is totally random, but I just thought about it, and for all the shit I post on this site, and all the things I tell my friends, I really don't let them in very often. There's so much I never share. No wonder they don't have me figured out ; ) I like it that way most times. But only most times.
Alright, this has gone on long enough, I'm going to bed! Nite.
Laundering
22 April, 2002 at 12:22 PM by Ren | Permalink
Today, I think I might actually do the rest of my laundry.
See, for the last two months, I've been operating on this, how shall we say, premise in which I do enough laundry to last me a week or two. It's getting tired, and I'm having a hard time telling what's clean, and what's not.
So whatever is on the floor is getting washed!
So it was written, so shall it be done.
Life is good otherwise. It looks like people around me are coming to their senses, and putting together their lives.
In other news, there are 23 days until Episode II premieres. Also, the new video for "Across the Stars" (the Anakin/Padme Love Theme) premieres on TRL i'm guessing tomorrow. Woo!
I'll be better about posting this week, I promise! : )
Attack of the MPGs
25 April, 2002 at 10:33 AM by Ren | Permalink
I've decided that I'm going to post the Attack of the Clones commercials, in case anyone wants to download them. whee! They will be in MPG format. You'll be able to access them from the right hand navigation rail (that's the blue bar on the right). Have fun!
Attack of the MPGs - Episode II
25 April, 2002 at 01:59 PM by Ren | Permalink
They're up. You can see them labeled quite nicely underneath Empress Margaret's beautiful visage.
They rock; I highly recommend them. Episode II will kick some serious ass.
Things are going well here in Tastavia. Life is good...I've been unusually giddy the last week. Probably countering my bitchiness of late.
OH! Y'all, I confess, I love monorails. They rock. I want one of my very own. . . so that's why I spent like an hour reading the Monorail Society website yesterday. It's so hellacool. I want a monorail!
Um, in other news, I'm getting hellawork done at work lately. I cleaned like 6 things off my to-do list just this morning. Go me.
Looking forward to Dallas this weekend! I'm very excited. I've not been on a road trip in a while. Plus, it's Wonderbread and the Oracle of Tastavia (formerly kat) so you know its going to be fun. yayyayayayayay! or as Wonderbread would say "Pika Pika!"
Ok, that's enough. I need to go back to work. Mucho Amor mis amigos!
Linear Induction is Way Cool
26 April, 2002 at 09:42 AM by Ren | Permalink
So, ever since I was like 13, I've wondered what in the hell linear induction was. Damn you Enterprise Technical Manual! Well, wouldn't you know that Wonderbread, being the all around fabulous person he is, knew exactly what linear induction is and explained it so a lowly music major like me could understand it. The best part was when he busted out the PowerPoint presentation to show me how linear induction worked. Well, oK, no PowerPoint, but it would have been funny. Anyway, point being I must love him eternally because he explained linear induction to me. Hee!
Anyway, I am going to declare this now: I have the best time with Wonderbread. He's the best thing since sliced bread. Really. He makes staying up til 2 in the morning when you have to be up at 6 worth staying up for. My only guess is that he must enjoy it too because he hasn't gotten tired of me yet : ) Of course, he could just be using me for my ultra-comfy futon. It's better to think that he does indeed like being around me though...*getssappy* Yeah, that's goofy...but I can't help myself. There aren't many people in the world I find excuses to hang out with, but he's definitely one of them. oK, I'm stopping now. That's just too much. There are people who would seriously kick my ass for being that gooey : )
I'll be in Dallas/North Texas this weekend, leaving sometime after 12PM CDT so I won't be posting again until Sunday or maybe Monday...depending on when I get home and how I generally feel.
Krysdol, I heart you. I wish you were going, we'd have UN good time. Everyone else, talk to you later!
Road Trip Hangover
29 April, 2002 at 09:31 AM by Ren | Permalink
This weekend was one of the best I've had in a long while. North Texas is a cool place to visit...its a little too country for my permanent residency needs; it does, however, make for a nice place to have a weekend house ; )
I need names for Nick and Brock on my website. Everyone else has them, they should too. Nick learned not to test me on my drinking prowess. I can down six beers AND still ride the tilt-a-whirl and teacups. GO ME!
Wonderbread has the most amazing parents, so nice and loving. Everyone should have good parents like that.
Germanfest rocks.
Aladdin and the king of thieves, whatrudoing?
It really was a good weekend. I had so much fun with the Oracle and Wonderbread. Of course, any opportunity to spend any amount of time with the most wonderful person in the universe is gravy. Especially when you get to see where he's from and whatever.
On a more serious note, I realized something Saturday morning. It was shortly after I regained consciousness from the long long drive up. Wonderbread was all excited to be in *his* room at his house. It was really telling of the person he was/is. Anyway, that's not the point; what I'm saying is that it's cool that he still has his own room at his parents house. I don't have one of those anymore. Mind you, my parents have divorced and moved into their own places, in a different city from where I went to high school, so I guess it's kind of expected that I don't have a room of my own there. It's weird in its own way too...the first 20 years of my life or so have been reduced to about 3 boxes of stuff in my mom's attic (which I should probably go and get anyway). I'm not upset, or sad or anything, its just one of those realization things. . .you realize that you're all grown up and don't have the luxury of going back "home" as it were. You can always go to your parents' house, but it's not home anymore...just a place where your parents live. Maybe it's just me?
I'm not going to dwell on it. I had fun. Wonderbread looked happier than I'd seen him in a while, and that was the best. So I originally said "The Oracle was good most of the weekend too". . .that totally makes it sound like the Oracle is a second banana or something. that's so not my intention. The Oracle rocks. She is no one's second banana. She's the Oracle! Ok, that's lame. She knows what I mean though. So yeah, everyone was wunderbar this weekend.
Everyone got to see me drink lots of beer and not question the power of Ren's liver. So, it was good times for everyone.
Well, I'd better get to work. I have trillian open, and I'm hoping certain individuals either wake up, or come back from being away...I feel like talking and not working : )
>:-)
29 April, 2002 at 01:48 PM by Ren | Permalink
So, I was here at work, sitting down, digesting lunch, not really working much rethinking my weekend.
"Are We There Yet?" I asked myself? I thought, no, couldn't be...I haven't been tickled to death yet...
I'll just have to add that to the list of things I'm owed. It could be worse though, I could be owed money.
Weird Dream
30 April, 2002 at 12:45 PM by Ren | Permalink
So Sunday night I had a weird, albeit interesting dream.
I think that I'll first go into what I think some of the things in the dream were caused by. My family is afflicted with all kinds of bad things, man. On my mom's side, I get Parkinson's and Diabetes; on my dad's side it's Alzheimers. It scares the living pants off of me to get Alzheimers. If there's one way I wouldn't like to get old, its not being able to remember things. I prize my memories of things very greatly; to lose that would be devastating. Not to mention I have a hard time finding my keys now...can you imagine if i had alzheimers?
So, in my dream I'm in a bed waking up. I'm definitely older than I am now...like a lot older. It's sunny in the room. All my good friends are there in the room and everyone is noticably older. Y'all still look 10 times hot though, so don't worry. Well, it seems this is the first time I've seen many of them in a long, long time. I get up from laying down, so I'm just sitting in my bed and Wonderbread is right next to the bed. I say something like "I'm sorry for not being here all this time, and I'm sorry I haven't seen you all in so long." He says that it's oK, because they've always been here, I just couldn't remember. I got a little confused but then it made sense, and I got very happy that everyone of my friends was there. Don't ask me why they were there, they just were.
Then everyone started talking and visiting; evidently I hadn't been coherent enough lately to do this, and we were all happy that I was there to talk or whatever. Then that's all I remember of the dream.
It took a while to even get that much of my dream out. It was funny, when I woke up, I didn't remember the dream at all, just that I had an interesting dream. It wasn't until later in the day (yesterday) that I began to remember bits and pieces of the dream and finally last night I remembered pretty much all of it. And I decided to post what I remember here, because it had been weighing on my mind for a while.
I dunno, was that dream preminitionary? Was it just my overactive imagination? Who knows. Not important I guess...at least now that I put it up for all you guys to read.
Hee! It's official now, I "am falling for" someone. So they say. heh. That's a story unto itself, typically ; )
I guess I should get back to work. I really don't want to be working today; don't know why, but it seemed like a good day to just sit in bed and drink coffee or something.
One more thing: I was thinking last night before I fell asleep about things that I'm owed. I thought I'd post a short little list of things people owe me (and you know who you are) that I can remember offhand...I may post a more complete later.
1. a kiss
2. a tickle war. I may actually dread this one
3. $25 for paying a ticket off for a good friend of mine
4. $100 for bailing someone out of jail.
5. dinner from god knows how many of you
You may pay me back later today. It would make my day interesting.
Geez, its so hot, I'm BACON!
30 April, 2002 at 04:46 PM by Ren | Permalink
Its like a million degrees outside my office at work. I work in Kingsville for those of you that don't know...but I live in Corpus. Corpus has the luxury of a sea breeze. Kingsville has the barren landscape of the King ranch. It's hellahot outside.
I swear its like opening up an oven when you go outside. It's hellacious. Sadly, and this cracks me up to say this, but, at least it's a dry heat.
It really is. No humidity. God just set South Texas to "bake" today.