September 2003
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Holy Crap
02 September, 2003 at 01:46 PM by Ren | Permalink
That much alcohol in one day should totally be outlawed.
Y'all. I am seriously hung over right now. Seriously. I drank more than should be allowed. Shots for days. Bacardi Limon, for days. Beer, for hours (there wasn't that much beer, but lord knows I drank that too).
My birthday extravaganza was fabulous. Just like it should have been. Got what I wanted, which was seriously inebriated. Didn't get any birthday sex, but what the fuck, I got drunk. So it wasn't a total bust. Hah. So there.
Right, y'all I have got to get some work done soon. And I seriously have to vomit. But I can't. God it's horrible. Such is my life I think.
Grenmo was right, she told me not to go out...of course it was because of the rain, not because I was going to get hammered. Ahh, the joy of life. whee! Ok, now seriously, because I am not making a lick of sense, I'm going to go. Plus, I think I have to visit the little boys room. ttfn.
Birthday Extravaganza Recap
04 September, 2003 at 09:16 AM by Ren | Permalink
It occurred to me that I hadn't yet done an accurate recap of the zany events of my birthday. And as quickly as that night is turning into one long, blurry, drunken memory, I figured I'd do it pretty fast. So here goes.
The particulars of this birthday event are as follows:
The instigators = Krysdol, Batman, Wonderbread, Jacqueline, Bryan, B, Crody and Rollermog.
SO DRUNK on my birthday. SO DRUNK. Operation Intoxication 2K+3 was a complete and rousing success. It started off at 3 p.m. at On the Border. I had 3 margaritas there. We broke up for a few hours to shrug off the food-induced-coma and I realized I had a bottle of Bacardi Limon at home. Well Sonic is next door to me, so I went there and bought a limeade slush (Route 44, dont'cha know), and remixed it funky style with about a quarter bottle of Bacardi Limon. It was faboo. I nursed that for the next few hours until the party/shebang began. Around 9 that night we met up at a friends house and found the adult beverage supply was low. I finished my special slush and we went to HEB and got some beer and some other drinking utilities. Got back to the apartment and Rollermog made lemon drop shots. I had five in a row. One with each of my good friends there. Holy hell I was hammered by that point. Started drinking some 151 and punch, and had four beers before the night was over.
Everyone said I was fucking funny, although I don't remember saying anything particularly funny that night, but who knows. All I know was I was apparently on my game that night. At one point some of my friends ended up doing drunken pilates, but I don't really recall that, as I was busy getting my freak on. But not really. Just a little bit. Not that I'm really upset about that. Well, just a little, but not a lot. And not cuz I didn't get my full freak on, but because it sort of happened in the first place. Ok. Done. Too many short sentences here.
Tuesday morning at 7:45 I called in saying I wouldn't be into work until at least after lunch. Good idea since I was still drunk. Woke up at 11 with a wicked hangover, showered and headed to Kingsville for work. We had birthday cake; actually everyone else had birthday cake. It was black forest cake and the thought of anything that chocolatey was just positively disgusting. I spent the whole day drinking water and taking tylenol. Got home around 6 and drank more water and tylenol. Finally was able to eat something around 10.
So, with that short and sweet recap, I can honestly say that that was one of the BEST birthdays in my entire life. I haven't had that much fun, or that much pain and suffering all rolled up into one day. I laughed a shitload, I berated my friends, I made some of them cry, they made me cry. I nearly fell asleep curled up next to someone else. It was grand. Absolutely grand.
I thank each and every single one of you for making this such a memorable event. Just too bad I can't remember it all. ; )
My upcoming entry
07 September, 2003 at 02:43 PM by Ren | Permalink
Currently, I'm finishing up work on my 500th journal entry. Wow. I can't believe it's that high a number already. I'll save the crude whore jokes for you people in real life. They're much more effective there, anyway.
Anyway, after this weekend's debacle with no internet (something I don't want to relieve for quite some time, Thank You Very Much) I was able to finish up said post. I have to say it's one of my best ever. It's freaking long too. But it's good.
I have some minor editing to do with it, so I'll post it tomorrow. Til then, cheers!
My Decision
08 September, 2003 at 08:24 AM by Ren | Permalink
Something I’ve mulled over for the last week or two, I’ve finally decided to put down in print. Or it’s electronic version anyway. I really don’t care whether or not the person affected by this decision reads it, although it might be nice. I don’t know. Like I said, I really don’t care one way, which might just mean I really do care but I’m just trying not to show it. I don’t know. I guess I should say before I go on, that since this is indeed my version of a journal if I piss anyone off while you read this, remember, these are my personal thoughts written down, and not always the ultimate conclusion I’ll come to, nor should they always be taken personally. Most people wouldn’t let you read their diary, you’re just lucky I do. Unfortunately, most of the shit in mine is retarded and stupid. Your loss. But not today, this one’s a doozy.
I guess that last paragraph (before the disclaimer, that is) goes to show how fucking confused I am. For once in my life, I have a problem and I haven’t got the slightest clue how to fix it. This is a rare occasion indeed. I always pride myself on the fact that I know what to do, whether it means I do the right thing, or the thing that causes the least pain or whatever. I’m always the one with the solution. I know how to fix the problem. Not this time. This time I don’t’ have the luxury of a simple answer. I know what my brain tells me, and what some people I know have said, but then I think what my stupid fucking heart says and it says the exact opposite. Maybe I just don’t know when to let go. Maybe I’m just a fucking glutton for punishment.
It all started innocently enough. Being introduced to some stupid kid on my way out from the club; me shrugging it off as nothing more than someone else who would mooch drinks off me. But it turned into something so much more. Guess it does prove to you that you never know when something big is really going to slap you in the face. Over the course of time, it turned into something that all at once felt remarkably stupid and really right. I should have known right then, that it was probably going to end up going awry.
I can even tell you the moment I knew when I was stupidly, retardedly in love with him. Man, it seems like so long ago. It was a night in May 2002. Was it really that long ago? I suppose it was. Anyway, it wasn’t long after that that it all fell apart the first time, and I ended up in this really bad place. . .oK, that’s a bit on the dramatic side. One thing did turn out from that though. He hasn’t lied to me since. He broke promises, yes. But those were truthful when they were made. That’s not a lie; that’s someone afraid of screwing up, so they screw up by backing out of their own obligations.
Back to my bad place. Yeah, I was depressed and longing. Cut him off and everything. Thought that would fix it. Naw man, it’s never THAT easy. Eventually we got to talking again. He was leaving, but would be back, I was sad. We exchanged those words to eachother, actually finally saying them to one another after all this time; up til that point it was just one of us saying it (don’t worry, it alternated between him and me, and HE said it first) and I thought, man, this actually might work out in the end.
Promises were made. Promises that would eventually come to bite him in the ass.
(this is where you cue in the dramatic music)
It started off well enough. Calls to each other all the time. Calling just to see how the other was doing. It was great. Hadn’t felt that special or wanted in such a long time. Certainly not from someone with whom I didn’t share any DNA with (and not like that you sick freak). I should have been able to see the nightmare descent into booze and pills coming. So ok, no nightmare descent into booze and pills, but you get the idea.
There was a really, really great visit where I went to go spend the weekend and everything seemed honky-dorey-cool-as-shit. Spent the whole weekend with him and everything was just like I thought it should be. We hung out, we argued a little bit, danced, slept next to each other in what can’t be described as anything other than something two lovers would do--except we weren’t doing that. Everyone else thought so, though. It really was great.
I guess a month after that it started falling apart. Not really noticeably at first. Phone calls every other day turned into once or twice a week and eventually into nothing at all. It all worked out really well though, I got so busy at work, I hardly had time to notice that the calls stopped; but when I did remember it wasn’t a happy memory.
It’s not like I didn’t know what he was up to there. I’m not stupid, nor would I be fair in saying that I didn’t turn my head to some degree. He promised when he got back it was all about me, baby. Too bad he forgot that. Then he convinced himself that it wasn’t what he wanted and he changed his mind. Sure, he never lied, but he fucking broke a lot of promises. Crazy thing about it all is, they were all sincere things he said when he said them. He just got all caught up in this lifestyle where everyone likes you because you’re easy. You’re fun, you’re popular, and you sleep with everyone, well except for me. It’s hard to stop when you get caught up in something like that. Once you realize how easy it is to teeter into this mess of letting your dick run your life it’s hard to stop letting little john call the shots.
So what’s that mean for me? Well it means all the promises were broken. Yeah, it fucking sucks. I can’t tell you how much it does. It really should bother me a lot more than it does, but it doesn’t. Strange thing is, through all that, despite the fucking child that he turned back into, even after he showed everyone just how wonderful and mature he could be, and what a great person he will be some day, the fact that deep down in there he still feels the same way for me makes it SO hard to just turn my back on him. Yeah, I know I should. Everything I’ve seen other people go through tells me the same thing. I just can’t. Truth be told, I don’t know that I can.
I’m not ready to give up on it. All I can do now is be a friend and help him figure out that the person he is isn’t all that far from the person he can be. It’s almost there. Is this what grown up love is about? You know, the kind where you don’t love someone because they’re perfect, but the kind where you know that the other person has flaws, but you look over them and see the good parts, and try to fix the parts that need fixing? I don’t know. Probably. But then again, probably not. Anyway, I digress. The point is, it’s so maddeningly frustrating to see just how fucking close you really are to that point, and then seeing just what a huge gulf there is still left because he doesn’t want to take that one last, tiny fucking step. So what do I do?
Yeah, I’m a dumbass. I shouldn’t even talk to him anymore. But I don’t think that’s the right thing to do. I think it would be worse to throw away all that history, all those times and yes, all that emotion down the drain and chalk it up to one big, bad mistake. It probably will turn out to be one fucking HUGE mistake on my part. But it will be my mistake to make. I choose my own poison (tm Rollermog) With some luck, and some growing up on someone else’s part it might turn out to be my best mistake ever. Shut up Cheryl Crow. I didn’t quote you. I paraphrased, so stop smiling. Anyway, I know that in the end, I could be making a horrible mistake that ends with me being some bitter old bitch. I might not even end up with him in the end, sad as that is to say. It’s true. That’s something I have to accept. Crazy thing is that I do accept it. Maybe that’s why it’s so easy to be so detached about it all. I think though, that in the end when it’s all said and done that it would be a far bigger crime to have not tried at all. And seeing as how we haven’t even tried…I’m about ready to call the authorities.
You know, it’s alright to be scared. Make no mistakes, I’m terrified by this whole thing. I put every bit of the insecurities I have left out there for you to see and you can totally take me for some kind of twisted ride all for your own amusement. It’s the risk I take and it scares me to no end. You just might decide that you want to manipulate me and use me and then I’ll really be some jaded old queen. I don’t think you could be so cold, but I’ve been wrong before. What you shouldn’t do is be afraid that you’ll fuck it up. Clearly, you’ve already fucked it up a few times and somehow we still manage to remain friends. That should count for a whole hell of a lot. The bond between us is stronger than that. It’s something that both of us value. It’s why we don’t stay mad at eachother for very long. Our relationship (and yes, don't fool yourself, that’s what it is, even though there are no titles), is stronger than the leftovers of our bad decisions and our broken promises. We’re still here aren’t we?
The other night, we lied in your bed, and you had your head resting on my chest, totally at peace with just about everything that troubles you, starting to fall asleep as I played with your hair. I couldn’t find a single reason why on earth you would deny yourself that in favor of some one night fuck? Why would you do that? How is that better? I certainly can’t think of a single reason. Especially since no one else makes you feel like that and not another person does that with you. Does it feel wrong? Are you just lying to make me feel better? I don’t think so; truth serum was flowing that night and either you were telling the truth, or you’re a much better liar than anyone I’ve ever known. And I know you don’t lie that well.
So, to the point. My decision. Yeah, I should cut my losses and leave. Yeah, I should stop caring and give up. But I don’t think it’s worth it yet. Too much stands to be lost by not even being a friend when he clearly needs someone to show him that what he does is fucked up, especially considering the fact that most of the time he doesn’t even realize it. I should just stop. But I’m not. I’m not saying I’m waiting either. That would be disingenuous to myself and giving him too much credit; I deserve more than that. Do I think we should end up together? You bet your sorry ass I do. We make a good match. It’s a good balance between the frivolous and the serious, a balance between spontaneity and lets-do-this-one-by-the-rules and plan it out first. But am I going to wait for him? Fuck no. that’s stupid. My decision is, I think we should try. I think that you need to grow the fuck up and realize what it is you have slapping you in the fucking face you goddamn moron. This doesn’t happen too many times in people’s lives, if ever. And you’re just willing to say “uh, no thanks, I’m driving”? The fuck is wrong with you? See what it is that you have, and go for it. You’re the one that says be honest with yourself, and you are clearly not being honest with yourself or with others.
Dammit, I keep getting off track. My decision: Yeah, we should try. My decision: no, I won’t wait for you. If you’re lucky, when you figure out just what a tremendous fuckwad you’ve been I’ll be there, and available.
I’m not waiting anymore. But I’m not giving up, either. It’s not right to, despite the broken promises and despite your regression into this sad caricature of yourself. You need my friendship now more than you need my love, and that’s what I offer. I won’t wait for you, so you’d better realize what it is you might miss out on pretty quick buddy because I refuse to sit and wait for you any longer. I’ve laid it all out there. I can’t say I didn’t try. I have no regrets. I hope in the end, you won’t either. I don’t know if that’s a real decision, but it’s the conclusion I’ve come to and it’s the one I’m sticking to.
For my next trick...
10 September, 2003 at 01:07 PM by Ren | Permalink
Seriously, you're probably right? That's a response? I write four fucking pages, and I get "you're probably right?" in response? You like fucking with me entirely too much. Yeah, yeah, I know, it makes me cute blah blah blah. whatever. I shall now spend the next 40 years of my life trying to figure THAT one out. Bastard.
Anyway, given the gravity of the last few days in terms of what I'm posting, ok, what I posted on Monday, means that now that I'm ready to post again today, Wednesday, it should be something light and frothy. Here's your cappucino people. Enjoy.
Skittlebrau
Yes. Homer's dream, realized. Skittlebrau. Dude, I want to come up with shit like this. I don't want to be the lonely guy who posts about some retard young man who is a dumbfuck. I want to write about fucking Bacardi Skilver! *sigh*
Oh, now for the activism. I'm refusing to support the RIAA in its quest to destroy file sharers. Sure, it's illegal. Yes, it's free. The fact remains that the members of the RIAA have yet to offer a viable alternative to free downloads. Why ren, you say, you can't beat free. No, you sure can't. BUT, you can offer a low-cost alternative that is remarkably successful. Why don't you do this RIAA? I would so pay for those kinds of rights, and that kind of flexibility with my digital music files. I would. I swear. But until you stop this nonsense, I refuse to buy any more CDs. Even if it means I can't get fold out posters of Justin Timberlake. That's how serious I am. Boycott the RIAA, y'all.
Final point. Someone besides Krysdol has got to love The O.C. with me. Please, people. Share my pain. Enjoy my guilty pleasure. Please. Let the suffering end!
OH LORD.
12 September, 2003 at 02:10 PM by Ren | Permalink
Today is yet another Friday. Damn it's busy around here. I'm tired as all hell, and it's raining. I was late for work this morning because this stupid storm knocked out the power for some length of time last night and shut off my alarm. When I woke up, I felt refreshed, and then realized I was hellalate because I was sleeping.
I got to work and there were no mini-crises to speak of, but damn, was it hell putting together the electronic newsletter I put together weekly for the campus. This week's appears to have grown substancially over recent editions. It's nutty. I'm tired. My wrist hurts. I think I'm going to jump off a cliff or something.
Hi! I'm wore out!
Tomorrow is Krysdol's birthday; I have to rest before then. MUST. MUST. MUST. Oh, get this, some random dude here was talking to one of the student workers that works in our office and he said I was cute. I'm like WTF? I think I know who he is and eeew. gross. Kind of icky.
Hi. I'm random today!
My head is starting to hurt, I think I'm going to shoot it off. Or take some drugs, I'm not sure yet. Today's Friday Five sucks balls, and I dont' have much left to talk about.
OH!
One story: Rollermog is off on his very first plane trip. He's going to Vegas. He and some people who I am contractually obligated to say nothing positive or negative (mostly negative) about went up there. Me and Dirty Diana used to joke that they were going to the Motel 6 and Casino, or Caesar's Hovel. They might have gone upscale and gone to the Carnival Carnival...or even the MGM Mediocre. Sherry in the office suggested that they stay at the New Jersey, New Jersey. Off names of famous hotels are fun, aren't they?
That's about it for me today. I'm off to do more work!
Cuz I'm the Motherf'n P-I-M-P
17 September, 2003 at 12:53 PM by Ren | Permalink
I don't know what you heard about me
But a bitch can't get a dollar out of me
No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see
That I'm a motherf'n P-I-M-P
That's right, hoes! I am the p-i-m-p. This weekend I played a little game on my 'computer', see. And I'm freaking winning. Thassright. I won. Oh. And keep y'all's mouth shut about how I am gloating over a computer game. Cuz y'all know what I mean, so keep it on the DL; I don't need everyone knowing just what a huge dork I really am.
I know, rare occasion indeed. But I win! Hah. So there.
Anyway, I'm still working on recapping the events of Krysdol's Birthday Bash Extraordinaire. I wrote it once and it was total crap. So I'm redoing it and hopefully I'll have it done by the end of this week. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, who knows! All I know is that I win. Go me. Why you ask? Why did I win? Cuz i'm the motherf'n P-I-M-P, that's why.
OH! I also forgot, yesterday was Freshman Convocation on campus. I was part of the platform party representing the Staff Council. I was wearing my suit; again, I was rockin' it. I was the motherf'n P-I-M-P.
Man, I look hot in my suit ; ) like a motherf'n P-I-M-P.
Best. Headline. Ever.
22 September, 2003 at 09:17 AM by Ren | Permalink
This is seriously the best headline I've ever read anywhere.
Thanks CNN!
Oldest Genital Fossils Found in Scotland
Sample paragraph: "The discovery of the world's oldest genitals proves that little has changed over the last 400 million years -- at least for daddy-long-legs," the magazine said.
CLASSIC. It's Comedy Gold, I tell ya!
Whoo Doggies!
29 September, 2003 at 09:28 AM by Ren | Permalink
Yeah. So I have been less than forthcoming with the posting. To my own defense, though, I have to say that I've been superhellabusy lately.
I've put together so many different publications in the last few weeks than I thought humanly possible. I'm on some stupid committee (oK not stupid) to hire the new Human Resources Director here at the university. I'm president of the Staff Council.
Oh, and yeah, I still do web design as my job. I put together two or three websites in the last week. They're all one pagers but damn, I was just cranking out the work.
Not much else is going on in my life right now, just work work work.
Ooo, I found a bunch of really cool old marches recently. It's my new favorite thing to find online. Recordings of Spanish Pasodobles and marches.
Yes. I'm a nerd. Screw you too.
Alright, I have to go to work now. *sigh* I remember when I could sit around and do nothing all day. I miss those days.
Death of a computer
30 September, 2003 at 11:45 AM by Ren | Permalink
I don't know if I mentioned this before on here, but this past weekend was terrible. I murdered my computer. I'm not quite sure how I did it...but I did. It died on Thursday and I spent the weekend trying to resurrect it.
I think it caught a virus or something because it simply wouldn't restart outside of safe mode. As the weekend progressed I reached the horrible realization: I had to reformat. Years and years worth of garbage, just deleted. Simon Rex porn--gone. Johan and Chance, goodbye. Oh yeah, and about 5 G worth of mp3s. But that was ok; I had all those at work anyway.
Unfortunately, my Dell didn't come with a Win 98 CD, so I had to wait until Monday to get one from work. At about six o'clock last night I installed Windows. I slowly but surely reinstalled every piece of hardware. The hardest was the stupid video card. My computer refused to believe i had an NVIDIA GeForce 5200 on it. It was like "no bitch, 'dis just a plain VGA Card"...on an AGP port. Really. I didn't get it.
So finally late into the evening I finished installing stuff like Photoshop and Studio MX...and Kazaa Lite K++(I have to find Simon Rex again, don'tcha know) and of course, Trillian. If you're curious, this is how much space I still have on the hard drive even after I installed those big momma programs.
One thing this has taught me. Keep your virus protection updated. One bit of good that might come from it: I might actually buy a copy of XP Professional. Dude, ubercustomizable UI. I have to. I have no choice. It is my density...I mean, destiny.
Long story short, my computer is back...and mostly better. It still freaks out a little bit. I think it got used to the weekend off. BTW someday, I'll actually write up a recap of Krysten's Birthday Bash Extraordinare. Someday.