November 2003
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Morning
03 November, 2003 at 09:07 AM by Ren | Permalink
Y'all, I know this is crazy, but I just got back from getting coffee on campus here at Java Lina and I think I have a perfect cup of coffee. It's like, it needs no sugar or anything! I'm shocked! I always have to douse my coffee with sugar and crap so it won't taste so you know, coffee-ish. And this mocha latte is perfect just the way it is. It's amazing.
Yum. This is the best part of waking up. Well, I lied. If it had Bailey's, it would be.
don't F&ck with me, I'm the PADRINO!
04 November, 2003 at 12:53 AM by Ren | Permalink
That's right. I'm the motherf$cking PADRINO, BITCH! Yeah, I totally meant to do this post last week (and yes krysdol, at some point I'll get to your birthday too...if I can remember what happened) but what with all the us.net sucking it up and me moving to the Elysian Fields of Netdork, there just wasn't much point in posting something that wouldn't be seen for a week or longer.
Anyway, I lost my point. Yeah, I had one. Shut up.
Right. So the weekend of the 24th we, meaning my little brother Nut, my other brother the crackhead (now to be known as the Brother Formerly Known as Crackhead...or BFKC for short) and BFKC's girlfriend all piled into Ronessa for a good old fashioned field trip to the land of my birth, El Paso, Texas. Whyever for, you ask? Well for no other reason than it was my cousin's Quinceaneara and seeing as how as of late I rarely miss an opportunity to get drunk with people I'm related to, I just had to go.
Except there were crimps in the plan. Mom, BFKC and I were supposed to rent a vehicle because as we all know, Ronessa is a pampered bitch, and wasn't well about going on a trip. Mom had some automotive troubles which later turned into financial troubles (because new transmissions cost a fortune, yo) and then it was revealed that Mom's loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend would be going. I'm not sure I ever mentioned my intense hatred for all things loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend, but lets just say this: don't ask me to roll a joint in my house on a Saturday at 11 a.m. and we'll be just fine, K? Anyway, when Mom dropped the bombshell that loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend was going, I seriously considered taking my name out of the running as someone who would be going along. Yeah, i hate loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend that much. In the end, though, I knew I should go, if for no other reason than my father would not be going and wouldn't be able to fulfill his long-neglected duty of being my cousin's godfather. So for the sake of everyone involved, I talked Ronessa into driving to El Paso. Yes, it means I have to buy her a new pair of shoes (she wants Manolo Blahnik All-Weather Steel Radials) and get her a tune-up now, but it was worth it. I would be the surrogate Godfather...but I'm calling myself El Padrino, because that's just so much cooler sounding.
So I was El Padrino at my cousin's Quinceaneara, which was actually much more frightening when it was happening than I thought it would be. I had to sit at the altar at a catholic church for what felt like an eternity. I thought for SURE God was going to strike me down for some of the uh....more sinful things I've been known to perpetrate in my past. But my duties were not yet fulfilled: I had to dance with my cousin at her reception. Uh, What? Dad didn't share that part with me when I said I'd be El Padrino. Yeah, it was traumatic. People were crying because my cousin was so beautimous and young ladyish. Her dad was choking up because his little girl was all growed up and stuff and her sisters were crying because she was so pretty and their dad was crying. And then her father passes off my cousin to me, because El Padrino is supposed to have part of the first dance with the girl too. So, I have a family of people ruining their makeup and getting all snotty nosed and they pass off the girl of honor to me. Yeah, because I do well with crying dancing young ladies.
I managed to pull it out in the end though, because of this one gem of a line I pulled on my cousin when we started dancing...and I quote:
Don't you dare start crying. You can't cry. I'm not that bad a dancer.
Which is true, because as anyone who has seen me in my heyday of dancing at a club knows that I can go all night long without missing a beat. Luckily that line worked on my cousin and she laughed enough to not cry. Thank God! My duties as El Padrino completed, I turned over my cousin back to her father to finish the song with him.
The reception was rather lovely, made even more lovely by the fact that the beer was flowing. I also discovered that my grandmother who hadn't touched a drop of liquor in the last 25 years had two glasses of beer that night. She was a little drunk, which was funny because I would swear to you she thought the sparkling white grape juice the kids in the Quinceaneara party used to toast my cousin was actually champagne.
But-but-but wait it gets worse!
Later on in the evening, I'm dancing with Mom because loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend was trying to sneak off to drink (dude, give it up, everyone knows you're a loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend) and they break it down with some Y.M.C.A. (duh, it's a family party with dancing. It's a law that they play that song, the new jack or cha-cha swing, and at least one of the following: the bunny hop, the chicken dance or the hokey pokey...tell me I'm lying) and I turn to scope out the dancing queens on the dance floor and I saw nothing less than my buzzing grandmother dancing the Y.M.C.A.
She was better than Gem. She was Truly Outrageous. So that was the highlight of Saturday, and likely the entire year, right there. My seventy two year old grandmother waving her hands in the air, like she just didn't care, to a bunch of 70's gay men singing about doing whatever you pleased at the Young Men's Christian Association.
The ride back home was uneventful but fun. BFKC and I laughed and laughed the entire way home, singing songs by Outkast ('what's cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!' or if you're nut: 'what's cooler than being cool? 'ugh. STUPID.'') and generally getting along like we haven't since at least 1997. It was the best. I missed my brother a lot more than I realized. I also realized that in this year I have rediscovered my family. I thought I could get along without them, but being back to the old hometown really reminds me how much I used to like these people and how much they really seem to miss me. I made myself a promise on my way back to Corpus Christi that I wouldn't let my family get away from me like that. I missed them! I'm really not sure how I distanced myself from them in the first place, but my moneys' on the fact that I'm about 700 miles away from them. That probably factors in somewhere, I'm sure.
The one thing that I did think was pretty sucky was how I saw so many of my cousins and stuff and how they're all either married or practically so. They're all younger than me you see, because I'm the oldest grandchild, and it's kind of weird. Strangely enough, everyone looks at me like I'm like the most successful I guess, because I'm the most educated and apparently have a really good job (search me, I had no idea my job was so choice), but somehow it seems to me that they're the more fulfilled ones. Seeing everyone with someone made me a little sad and for the first time since all the drama with Wonderbread in August, I actually missed him on Saturday. Really, truly missed him and his company. There was a point during the night when I thought just how much he would have enjoyed a bunch of crazy, half-drunk mexicans pretending they can break it down with Sean Paul. Cuz seriously, that is some funny shit. Plus, there was brisket for days and we all know boyfriend gots a hollow leg (mind out of the gutter, Freaky...and you too for that matter, Krysdol).
There was family drama on my way home to corpus between BFKC and loser-alchoholic-asshole-boyfriend but I'll save that for another day. This post is already WAY too long. And come on, let's face it, I just can't top Grandma dancing the Y.M.C.A.
Star Wars: Clone Wars
07 November, 2003 at 08:56 PM by Ren | Permalink
So all this week, I've been totally looking forward to the Star Wars: Clone Wars cartoons on Cartoon Network. My brother Nut even called me yesterday to tell me to make sure I watched it.
So I got home tonight, got all ready to watch me some animated Star Wars, and it started. Three minutes of disjoined, yet beautiful animation. I was utterly dissapointed. The style of it was just beautiful. Anakin Skywalker, even in animated form was hubba-hubba Padawan goodness. But goddammit, 3 minutes wasn't long enough. This first episode was so disjoined, it was like, why bother making an episode, period?
Lucas. Stop the madness! Star Wars is better than this! But goddammit, three minutes is just not enough to tell a Star Wars story. I was just getting into the sloppy exposition and boom, the episode was over! I still hold out hopes that the rest of the episodes will be better.
Am I still gonna watch the rest of the series. Of course, don't be stupid. Damn you, George Lucas!
ok
11 November, 2003 at 09:01 AM by Ren | Permalink
So part 2 of Clone Wars was much better than part 1. Still fabulous animation, and less exposition. The storyline is on its way so there was less need for all that disjoined "let's put together the story" that was so evident on friday. Plus five George Lucas.
I still feel that five minutes isn't enough though. I want longer stories, dammit!
Calgon! Take Me Away!
12 November, 2003 at 11:55 AM by Ren | Permalink
Today is a weird day. I'm in an alternating super-happy mood and this very pensive thought mood. Quite strange.
Good mood: Javelina Men Sink Islanders! In their first matchup ever, the Javelina Men's Basketball Team defeated the Islanders of Texas A&M-Corpus Christi. As if there were any question on who would win THAT contest.
Bad mood: Ever feel like work, your family and everything in general is getting to be too much? Because I'm feeling like that lately. Too much pressure to say something about what a loser-asshole Mom's loser-asshole-boyfriend is, too much work at work (I have to plan a christmas party in less than three weeks!), outside web projects (working on a new web design for a school district in N. Texas)...gah, I'm wore out. I'm just tired I guess. I need a vacation, or something. Any suggestions as to what the something could be? I'm up for just about anything.
HEEEEEEEY YOUUUUUUU GUYYYYYYYS!
12 November, 2003 at 01:04 PM by Ren | Permalink
They're developing a Goonies sequel. I'm not sure whether to be offended or excited.
Friday Five
14 November, 2003 at 11:05 AM by Ren | Permalink
I'm sure I actually have lots to say but this morning is hectic, so this is all you'll get for the time being.
- Using one adjective, describe your current living space.
Messy - Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.
Um...since it is higher education, I'll say Overworked (1) and Underfunded (2) - Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime.
I can't talk about downloading pr0n here. This is a family blog! heh. Instead I'll talk about designing layouts: precise (1), colorful (2), methodical (3) and creative (4). - Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.
Late (1), busy (2), crisis (3) and anticlimactic (4). - Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.
Carefree (1), fun (2), wealthy (3), loved (4) and complete (5).
There. Now back to work!
So senseless
17 November, 2003 at 10:15 AM by Ren | Permalink
What a tragedy.
What a complete and utter loss to all of us. If you haven't heard already, I'm going to just lay it out there for you. O-Town is breaking up. It's apparently a mutual decision, but I can't help but feel cheated. I mean, they only had one or two songs. I know, they got on the boy band bandwagon pretty late in the game--N'Sync was basically schooling everyone, but still! They could have had at least one more tune that wasn't vaguely about nocturnal emissions. In a sick way, they were the real version of Du Jour, the hot boy band from the Josie and the Pussycats movie. But to Du Jour's defense, their hit single "Backdoor Lover" was intended to be a double entendre. "Liquid Dreams", however dirty sounding you make it, is not.
Or maybe not. It's not like I really care anyway. It just gives me something to write about.
Quick and pointless
18 November, 2003 at 04:23 PM by Ren | Permalink
I was at Freaky's party last Saturday and met all her sorority sisters...I also met her roommate Ms. Dick. Apparently, and I'm not sure how this happened exactly, but I'm an honorary sister. I can't wait for the sleepovers and all the parties and the fratboys calling and the...oh man...dude, I'm a sorority ho! Well, now that I feel like I have totally embarrassed myself, I realize I'm not anywhere close to being as embarrassing as this--Crazy Michael Jackson is up to it again, y'all.
Cops Search Michael Jackson's Ranch
Depressing as that is, I think I may have found something slightly uplifting. Check this nugget out:
The End is near for pop-up ads - I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to THAT.
That's all I got for you today, guys. I'm tapped out. I need to go home.
I'm all grown up!
20 November, 2003 at 10:37 AM by Ren | Permalink
I feel like such a grown up now!
I have my very own 16 button Meridian phone here in my office. That's 8 buttons more than I used to have. Now with this new phone, I have important new features such as: Conference calling (three ways here we come!) and, and, *hyperventilating* SPEAKERPHONE!
Now, I happen to hate being put on speakerphone, but I have it on my phone now! Yay! Now I subject others to the torture they put me through when I get put on speakerphone.
Oh Happy Day!
Wow, I am a dork. I'm having a good day just because I got a new phone.
What the Deuce?!
20 November, 2003 at 03:24 PM by Ren | Permalink
YAY!
But now, Darwin Sad. Scroll down on that link and you'll see what I'm talking about. Yes, I'm a horrible human being for going there with the "Darwin Sad" thing, but lets face it, I'm not a nice guy sometimes. I'm actually a bit of an a-hole. Man. That's just freaky-deaky, though. He's really dead. Guess there's no SeaQuest reunion now...
For real, the Japanese are really, really weird people. They invent PoKeMoN and Nintendo and Playstation, but they fall prey to this retarded scam. Japan, you officially suck.
The Sword on the Road
23 November, 2003 at 06:01 PM by Ren | Permalink
So this weekend was one that I will likely never forget, despite the copious amounts of liquor consumed on Saturday.
But the thing that stands out the most (and no pun intended, either) was the Sword on the Road.
Here goes:
Friday night, after getting a butt-chewing from Wonderbread on my alleged avoidance of him, I ask him if he wants to go see the Matrix Revolutions. He says that he does, but he has to pick up Batman in Kingsville. So we agree to go together and pick him up. Wonderbread shows up and we pile into Ronessa and begin the trip. Well about 10 minutes into the trip a car about a quarter of a mile ahead of us pulls over. I'm barrelling down the highway so i slow down a bit to keep from blowing too much wind towards our pulled-over highway friends.
As we close in on them I notice the guy walking off the side of the road back into his car, so naturally I slow down a bit more and pay attention so I don't run him down. We start to pass him and both Wonderbread and I notice that he's not wearing any pants.
Yup. No pants. I shout "holy shit, that guy is naked!" and Wonderbread says "oh my God! He is!"
It gets better though.
He turns to get back into his car...and as he swings to the side, his weener follows. I'm not kidding, the guy turned, and his penis turned to meet up with him about two seconds later. That thing was massive. It was a baby's arm sticking out obscenely from his body.
Of course, Wonderbread and I notice this immediately. No uncovered penis goes unnoticed to us. We both shout "did you see that? He had a chubby!" and then later, in much more hushed tones "did you see how big that thing was? It was fricken huge!" Unfortunately for us, any hopes of actual conversation after that were dashed as we were fixated on the massive peepee we saw on the side of the road.
Also sorry for the Wachowski brothers, because no matter how grand the visual effects spectacle you put on the screen, none of it could compare to the gigantic cock we saw on the side of Chapman Ranch road on Friday night.
I've now seen just about everything. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to die now.
Monday
24 November, 2003 at 09:31 AM by Ren | Permalink
This is too awesome:
Patrick Stewart Becomes an Egghead. I would DIE if Patrick Stewart became the Chancellor of the A&M-System. Except I know that would *never* happen here. With my luck we'd end up with Wiliam. Farking. Shatner. And that would. be. bad.
Anyway, because I can't think of anything else to write about this morning (sorry, but the penis thing on Friday is just too hard to follow), I'm doing a Friday Five--and yes, I realize it's Monday. Shut it.
- List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.
- Get laid.
- Win the lottery
- Complete my plan for world domination
- Destroy loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend
- See Simon Rex play organ grinder for the monkey...live
- List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.
- Scotty Jackson
- Austin Breitinger
- Andrew Rausch
- Andrea Hinojo
- Angelica Delgado
- List five things you'd like to learn how to do.
- Speak German
- Destroy loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend
- program databases
- paint
- play poker
- List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).
- Buy a bad ass house- cuz my ass wants to be on Cribs and also, I'm disgusted that Pauly Shore can be on Cribs and I can't.
- buy several more cars (because your automobile should match your outfit) and a few for Mom too
- Destroy loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend
- live a fabulous lifestyle just like Paris Hilton, except without all the scandalous sex tapes...well one or two, maybe, but only if they were with Matty D.
- book Xtina for a personal concert for Rollermog. He deserves her ho'ed up cooch jingly jangling in his face. Plus, hello, being rich enough to get XTina to perform for you personally is pretty fucking cool...even if she is a total slutwhore.
- List five things you do that help you relax.
[ C E N S O R E D ! ]
- Conceive new, inventive and creative methods to Destroy loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend
- Play graphic designer with my computer or just looking up crazy shit on the internet
- Plan my fantasy wedding to this week's hot CWB du jour...or at least a one night stand. I'm not too picky
- Two Words: Tylenol PM
Eat me!
27 November, 2003 at 11:01 PM by Ren | Permalink
Happy happy Turkey Day!
I am so stuffed y'all. I can't possibly eat anymore turkey at this time...mostly because I'm so fucking stuffed that I can't get myself to move very far away from this laptop.
Oh yeah, I'm in San Antonio visiting the 'rents. Dad's girlfriend, the Alcoholic made turkey for days. It was delish. I'm stuffed. But I said that before.
So, I went to see Mom to pick up Nut and my Brother Formerly Known as Crackhead and Loser-alcoholic-asshole-boyfriend answered the door. Let me tell you how much more friendly he was than he ever was before! /sarcasm
Yeah, he opened the door and said hi. And that was about it. Not that I'm bothered, it just gives me more fuel for the intense hatred. So in that case, it's all good.
I need to go now. I have to go purge. I'm either dropping the kids off at the pool, or puking. Either way will alleviate the sloth I think. Oh God the pain!
Happy Thanksgiving!