July 2004
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Chinese Dragons Gone Wild!
02 July, 2004 at 08:00 PM by Ren | Permalink
Really, it was all a matter of time before this showed up--I'm rather surprised it took this long. You know, of course, that I wouldn't be caught dead with such smutty things in my posession. I only entertain myself with higher, more noble pursuits. It's about time, though. I can't wait for the informercial.
Shut up, everyone.
Speaking of higher, more noble pursuits...I went to get myself some lunch today and remembered something that I've always meant to expose. Join me, will you?
After I got into town (we only work half-days on Fridays) I decided that I wanted to eat some combination fried rice. In Corpus Christi the best place for combination fried rice is Hunan Express. Once you get over the fact that you're going to someplace with "express" in the title that doesn't sell clothing, you learn to appreciate their awesome asian delights.
Anyway, back to my story. Everytime I drive thru, I remember something that I was taught back in the 10th grade. The two dragons in the front of the restaurant are gendered. Don't ask me how I know this--let's just say it involved some very degrading (but ridiculously hilarious and possibly illegal) erotic stimulation of a stone edifice.
The one on the left is quite obviously male; I like to call him Mr. Dragon. His wife, the lovely Mrs. Dragon, identical in every respect (except one), lives on the right side. The part I find the most funny--besides the fact that the dragon has a weener--is that the owners saw fit to put a bush in front of the dragon to hide his wang (no pun intended) from passers-by.
Isn't it salacious? Isn't it scandalicious? Isn't it dirty? Aren't you glad I took pictures of this for you?
I'm glad I could help.
These are my sad hands
08 July, 2004 at 12:00 PM by Ren | Permalink
So many things to talk about--where do I begin?
Right. So I saw Spider-Man 2 the other day. What a totally awesome movie. Spidey rulez like no other; crazy enough I actually got swallowed up into the movie. I held my breath during some of the really intense fight sequences and jumped at the appropriately suspenseful tension-releases.
Of course, being sucked into that movie world didn't stop me from making crazy comments during the movie (You're welcome movie audience!). Best one happened at some point early in the movie. For whatever reason--I don't remember why--Dr. Ock's robot arms are moving about slowly and passionately. I looked at Rollermog and said "These are my sad hands..." and we laughed a good while. Then, later, I almost had to leave the theatre when during one of Kirsten Dunst's close ups I looked over at Rollermog and said "T-T-T-Torrance!"
Both of us couldn't stop laughing. Krysdol nearly had to seperate us.
Speaking of sad hands: My office has two mommies. Because of some crazy things that have been going on in the operations of my office, our division head has decided to split our office into two functioning entities. We now have two operating units: Public Relations and Special Events, and University Publications. Crazily enough, I'm not part of University Publications even though what I do is a publication. I'm not quite sure it's going to work out or even if it will make a difference in making our office run more smoothly, but I'm willing to give it the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
Oh, yeah, the part about my two office mommies. With the reorganization of our office, we now have two directors. I've been joking that I'm going to write a book about the whole experience in the vein of a childrens' book for children of gay and lesbian couples. I'm going to call it My Office Has Two Mommies.
Like I said before, I'm still pretty worried about how this whole thing is going to turn out. My hands are sad for the fate of our office.
I'll get to writing My Office has Two Mommies eventually, but right now I can't, because my sad hands won't let me.
AHHH! MY EYES!
09 July, 2004 at 07:41 PM by Ren | Permalink
OH MY GOD. I've gone BLIND.
DAMN YOU Fametracker Forums!.
BTW, I take no responsibility for you looking at the I've gone blind link. I'm sure the temptation is there, but trust me, that American Idol's package is blinding. And disturbing.
Chocolate Chip Cookie
10 July, 2004 at 02:44 AM by Ren | Permalink
So, it's like 2:45 in the morning and I just got done hanging out with ShanDar, one of my best friends in the whole wide world.
I'll have plenty more to say in the morning when I'm not so ridiculously buzzed and I'm not secretly fascinated by this crazy ass movie on HBO. Seriously. Right now they're choking the hell out of some fat man in a horribly tragic powder blue track suit. But wait, it gets better! The guy trying to choke him is wearing nothing more than a leopard print thong.
OOOOOO! They just killed his ass dead; the guy in the tropical pepto bismol colored track that is. The leather dominatrix chick--what, I didn't mention her before? Don't all late night HBO movies have a leather dominatrix chick in them? Oh, that's Skinemax. My bad. Anyway, she's kicking him in the head with her stilletto heel! Right through his head! And now he's fucking dead! But not before he shot leather leopard print thong guy in the neck.
Gratuitious violence is cool.
Holy Shit! Armand Assante is in the movie. Gotta go. Will talk more tomorrow.
Oops, I did it again
12 July, 2004 at 12:55 PM by Ren | Permalink
We were both hot so I led her into the bathroom. There was a huge shower head that sent water down on to us as though it was rain. We stripped off competely and got into the shower and Britney performed oral sex on me as the water ran down over both of us.
Afterwards I led her back into the bedroom. At first she was on top of me and then I was on top. We did it every way you could. But it wasn't cheap. I really cared about her and it felt right.
At times she was noisy. She didn't call me any names, she just moaned. We didn't use any precautions either.
No, it's not bad erotic fiction; it's the recounting of Jason Alexander's sex-mad bride, Britney Spears which would also make it "What Kevin Federline has to look forward to."
Now I'm all for hearing about the sordid details of Brit-Brit's sex life (if only Colin Farrell would spill the beans!), but really Britney: no precautions? I'm dissapointed. If there's one message you should be sending your fans--besides the "be-as-irresponsible-as-you-want-because-you-can-always-annul-your-marriage-anyway" message--it should be for them to practice safe sex!
Bad Britney! Bad.
You know what though? At least for sure, I now know that it really was for love...and not as a publicity stunt. /sarcasm
I've been locked out
13 July, 2004 at 04:52 PM by Ren | Permalink
You know, I'm sitting here in my office right now and I'm remarkably depressed. It has nothing to do with there being no windows in my office, it's all about our stupid seperation. You know, the My Office has two Mommies thing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm on the wrong branch. It's like I'm getting totally marginalized. I've actually run out of work to do now that I'm not a "publication." I was working on a new design for the Uni site, but since the only writer on the news side now has her hands full doing all the news releases (a ridiculous concept in itself) there's no one left to write for me and it's not hammered out how I work between the PR and Publications side. It just makes me feel out of place. Most of the work I do isn't news. I post news releases within a previously designed template; it's a gigantic publication. I make websites for events based on the programs and brochures that accompany that special event. You know, like a publication. But whatever, apparently the VP in my division thought that I fit in better with the public relations side "because there's news releases on the site."
So now, I'm just sitting here in my office--sad little me with no work to do. Stupid boss. It's all her fault. Although if you ask her, she'd just tell you it was everyone else's fault besides her. Whatever.
It really makes me want to go looking for a new job, though. You know, one where I don't feel out of place.
Thank God for VH1
13 July, 2004 at 08:53 PM by Ren | Permalink
Seriously, y'all. Thank God for Video Hits One. If you recall, I was a little depressed earlier, but the good folks at VH1 have seen fit to bring upon this world a little something special called "I love the 90's" and those who know me all too well know that I love me some nostalgia, be it ironic or otherwise. Because it's always fun to relive one's adolescence.
Thank you Big Kahuna Summer!
The only really sucky part is that I've already gotten most of the music that they're featuring so really I'm sitting in front of this computer wondering what I still need to get that I haven't.
Oh crap, I'm sad again.
What in the hell am I watching?
17 July, 2004 at 12:24 AM by Ren | Permalink
This is why I need to stop staying up late.
I'm watching Highlander II, because I saw it in the listings and thought "well, the first one was pretty good, I should watch the next in the series..."
No Ren. That's a BAD Ren.
I'm not really sure what the hell is happening, but whatever happened in the first one was pretty much forgotten about and now McLeod is from another planet? WTF?
It wasn't like the movie started off totally bad. It did have music from Wagner's Ring Cycle. I think it was Gotterdammerung, but I'm not sure; it's been a long time since Music History class.
My point. This is still a shitty movie. McLeod was just flying around on some kind of hoverboard. WTF?
Alternate Universes
19 July, 2004 at 10:13 AM by Ren | Permalink
At what point did I fall into this alternate universe? You know, the one where Britney is the whore and XTina is the virginal one. Because I don't like this one. As far as I'm concerned, My Christina needs to be in some assless chaps with a red baboon ass taped on talkin' about how her newest video isn't Dirrty enough and Britney is the one in the schoolgirl talking about how she did it again (Oops!) pretending to be slutty, but not really.
I don't know if I can handle this paradigm shift of personality. I mean, how am I going to get Rollermog all worked up? Talking about how not-slutty XTina is? It just doesn't have the same resonance as asking him if he thinks XTina can really stick her entire fist in her cootchie.
Britney, Christina, I'm begging you two...return to your former selves. Britney, put some clothes on and start talking about how you're really just a small-town girl caught up in this crazy thing called fame; Chrissy A, ho' it up one time. Stick your ass in some ridiculously tight-ass pants so we can see your vagina. Please. For the love of God! It's just not right any other way.
Re-Invention
19 July, 2004 at 03:09 PM by Ren | Permalink
Just like Madonna, I'm re-inventing my website. It's a work in progress as I'm putting all these things up. I just got excited that I finished the big templates that I had to share with all of you.
I've also shut down the picture pages until I finish dropping them in MT and create appropriate templates. Shouldn't be more than a few days...since I don't have anyone giving me work anymore (long story) I have plenty of time to get on with personal things.
Anyway, if you find something broken, don't bitch just yet: it's probably being worked on. Give it a day or two and I'll have it fixed. Hopefully.
And if you're using IE to view this site--SHAME ON YOU. This site looks best in something that uses established web standards. That means, not IE. Dont' get me wrong, it looks ... decent in Internet Explorer, but it would look FABULOUS in something like Mozilla Firefox. I'm just saying...
Peace out, yo.
That's a MAN, baby!
20 July, 2004 at 07:34 PM by Ren | Permalink
Nearly finished with the redesign. And am I glad too. I finished most of the important parts to this new website, so enjoy. I also spent a fair amount of time redesigning the archives, so hopefully they'll be a little better organized for you guys to browse them.
Given some time, I might even add some search features, but that's a ways off. Right now the most important thing for me is to fix the photo galleries so you can gaze upon my astoundingly beautiful visage. Either that, or laugh at how ridiculously stupid my friends and I really look.
Whatever, I don't really care either way.
Hopefully, when I get the photo galleries done, I'll be able to post something about helping Krysdol move into her fabulous new apartment.
Since I don't have time to do that, I'll just write about my favorite of Krysdol's kitties.
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but Krysdol and her family are cat people. Seriously, she has like 58,492 cats living at her house. One day a few months ago Krysdol got suckered into getting yet another cat; this kitty quickly became my favorite cat at her house.
Sometime last week I think it was, Krysdol took the kitty, named Roxy, to the vet to give her a Bob Barker.
Later that day, she was checking up on Roxy to see how she was doing.
Krysdol: Dr. Vet, how's Roxy doing after her spaying?
Vet: Your cat is doing pretty well, except there's something you should know...
Krysdol: Oh no, Roxy is OK, right?
Vet: Yes, your cat is fine. Although you might want to change his name from Roxy to Rocco, or perhaps Rocky.
Krysdol: [dubious] What are you trying to say doctor?
Vet: There's no easy way to say this, but Roxy was born with a kitty penis.
Krysdol: You mean...?
Vet: Yes. Your kitty is a tranny.
It's not Krysdol's fault; she did nothing to turn her cat to a life of dressing like a female and performing disco diva songs for dollars at some seedy club. Roxy was born male and neutered at a young age. So young, in fact, you wouldn't be able to tell without cutting open the kitty, peering inside and not finding ovaries.
After going through the five stages of grief over her gender-bending cat, I asked Krysdol how Roxy (she'll always be Roxy to me!) was doing. She responded that the Girlie Man-cat was fine, if not a little groggy from the anesthesia prompting me to respond, "Well at least some good came from this--Roxy has a good buzz."
The real reason we split up
21 July, 2004 at 12:50 PM by Ren | Permalink
Via IMDb's gossip pages:
Damon: I've Never Voted
Shamefaced Matt Damon has confessed he has never voted, even though best pal Ben Affleck is a leading celebrity Democrat. While Affleck makes plans to hit the campaign trail with Democrat presidential hopeful John Kerry, Damon reveals he always felt his vote meant nothing. The actor says, "My reasoning has always been - and this is the worst thing to say - that because I'm from Massachusetts, everyone I would have ever voted for didn't need my vote. That's changing now because of where we're going in this country (America)." Damon insists he'll be the among the first Bostonians registering to vote in November . He adds, "I'll vote for John Kerry. The last election I had this feeling everyone was just going toward the middle and it's the same thing no matter what, and it turned out to be the most politically critical moment in my lifetime."
And that's why we broke up. Matty! Why, Matty Why?
As for the rest of you, if I find out some of you didn't vote come November, I'll disown your asses too. Don't think I can't. Or won't. Cuz I will.
Lucas finally gets it right
24 July, 2004 at 07:42 PM by Ren | Permalink
I believe there's about 299 days until Episode III premieres.
Allllmost there...
25 July, 2004 at 11:58 PM by Ren | Permalink
I've nearly completed the redesign. I'm almost finished with the re-styled (and re-engineered) picture pages. They should be up by late tomorrow--it just depends on how much work I have to do tomorrow. I'm also debating on whether I want to update my portfolio to match or not. We'll see.
When I finish the picture pages, then I can finally post about Krysdol's move and Queen B's birthday bash (and the unexpected country music star dining at the restaurant we were at, too).
Or I could just sit around on my fat ass.
Whatever.
Anyway, if you get bored, you can always read my recently updated bio. If you're feeling REALLY bored, you can try reading about this site.
But only if you're REALLY bored.
Finis
27 July, 2004 at 08:29 AM by Ren | Permalink
I fixed the photo galleries. You might notice some things missing--that's because I haven't gotten to them yet. With all the time I've spent photographing Chinese Dragon Dongs, I simply haven't had the time to reupload pictures of me as a 17 year old dork.
I'll be at a meeting the better part of the day. It's a retreat, but they're calling it an "advance". As if calling it a retreat weren't lame enough, they decided retreat sounded too defeatist.
Lame.
Anyway, I'll be there the better part of the day, so I probably won't get to Queen's B birthday dinner, or Batman and Krysdol sleeping ever so beautifully together, or even some older pictures I need to post up on this ho. I've also got some more tweaking to do of the style sheet (so the sidebar paragraph tags have padding at the bottom...something they don't currently have)
You should also note the two sidebars entitled Sideshow and Avert your eyes. One is just a collection of links that are worth reading if you have the time (just not worth an entire post by me), and the other is the lastest photo from the photo gallery. The link underneath will take you directly to that particular gallery.
Fun stuff. Enjoy.
Don't shoot the messenger.
28 July, 2004 at 11:05 AM by Ren | Permalink
I have pictures from both Krysdol's moving day and Queen B's b-day.
In advance, I apologize to Krysdol. However, for the rest of you looking for comedy gold, you're welcome.
I'm a little mad because yesterday I got to have lunch at the world famous King Ranch. In the pool house, no less. I even got to take pictures of the main house and the peacocks that roam the grounds. Except the my stupid compactflash memory card decided it wouldn't remember all the great pictures I took.
Dammit.
So instead, I just posted embarrassing pictures of my friends. That makes me feel better. A little bit.
The Bourne Stedicam
31 July, 2004 at 01:31 AM by Ren | Permalink
So tonight I went to dinner with Queen B and Krysdol. We went to eat at this fabulous restaurant called The Astor. I had what amounts to one of the best steaks. Ever. It was like an orgy in my mouth (tm Stewie Griffin). It was that good, y'all.
After the sexually satisfying dinner, Queen B went to get some actual sexual satisfaction; Krysdol and I decided to go to the movies. We went to go see The Bourne Supremacy. So in a lot of ways, that is like sexual satisfaction. At least for me.
Watching the flick, I've deduced two things from it.
One: every super-spy is gay. They are all immaculately groomed--be it fashionably scruffy, or super clean shaven at all times. They always wear really stylish black coats, usually made out of leather. They're always hellabuff. they have kickin-ass bodies. I suppose they could be called metrosexual, but everyone knows metrosexuality is so 2003. Homosexuality is the new metrosexuality.
Second: Steadicam is a good thing--up to a point. As much as I enjoy Matty D kicking serious ass on the screen, there comes a point where all that jumpy action becomes confusing and disturbing. At several points during the movie I wasn't sure who was kicking who's ass. I also got a little sick to my stomach and threw up in my mouth a little bit.
It all adds to the confusion of split-second action--I understand the necessity of conveying that sort of feeling. But seriously? There were parts of the movie where I had no idea was happening because I was busy trying to focus on one thing that was way too blurry to be focusing on.
Still, all things considered, after taking some Dramamine, (because really, all movies are better when you're properly "medicated"), go and enjoy the movie. It's good.
Third: Crody, if I were you, I'd watch out for Krysdol. Matty D done taught her how to smother someone in their sleep. And I've noticed your doors don't have locks.
Hmm. I take it back. I guess I learned three things from that movie. My bad.