October 2004
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Thank you for caring...
01 October, 2004 at 04:29 PM by Ren | Permalink
Thank all of you for your kind words of support and wuv. Even though the very concept of wuv confuses and infuriates me.
My toe feels much better today, although it's still a little swollen. But it hasn't fallen off yet, so I'm taking that as a good sign.
This morning I totally got pissed at some lady in my apartment parking lot. We live behind a gated community, right? Well, the entrance gate was open (broken again, I should add, it rarely goes longer than 1.5 weeks before breaking) and decided I'd use that to exit since it gets me on the road about 2 minutes faster than driving around the entire complex to get to the exit gate. Well some lady (let's call her Dottie) in a Saturn Ion pulled out of her parking slot and drove towards the exit, doing, you know, what you're supposed to do. She then presumes to tell me that i'm, I don't know, violating the law or something.
Serious. She totally yells through her window "you're not supposed to go out the entrance!" Even though I was clearly breaking the rules, I did get a little offended. Like she has the right to tell me what to do. I'm sorry Dottie, are you the manager of the complex? No? I thought so; mind ya own fuckin business. I'm bad, Dottie. You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A Rebel.
That's why I use the entrance gate as an exit. I like to break the law. Except only the law that's not actually a law. And has no lasting repercussions. And yes, that gives me the right to be indignant at middle-aged women who presume to tell me what to do. This is MY house.
A new low.
04 October, 2004 at 12:05 PM by Ren | Permalink
This weekend I had the pleasure of seeing The Derailers perform. Shan Dar of the Hill People came down and dragged me with her to go see them. See, whenever Shan Dar comes by, crazy stuff happens to me. I don't think I need to go into the time I nearly went home with someone wearing tight leather pants, but I'm throwing it out there for you as proof of the crazy/embarrassing things that happen when Shan Dar rolls into town.
Back to my story, Shan Dar explained to me that we'd be headed out to Port Aransas to see the show at a bar called Sharkey's.
A little background on Port A. It's not exactly what I'd call a mecca of civilization. Port A is lucky to be called a village. I think they got running water out there last year. So going to what amounts to a dive bar on a barrier island in South Texas, I was fully prepared to encounter an entire bar full of toothless idiots. So ready was I that I was remarkably surprised most of the barflies had mouths full of teeth and a stunning command of human language. Hell, even the signage in the bar wasn't bad; I only found one spelling error in all the painted sign madness.
I'll tell you what, for a dive bar, they had damn expensive beer. The Bud Light was $3.75. That's ridonkulous. Shan Dar agreed. The cheap-ass bitches we are, we left the bar, went to the local Circle K and bought a six-pack to drink on the beach. Shut up. Bud Light is not ever worth $3.75.
Finishing the six-pack, we made our way back to Sharkey's, caught a little of Django (pronounced just like Boba's dad) Walker's set. He gets my seal of approval, and not just because he's a pretty face; his name is fucking Django. That's an AWESOME name.
By the time the Derailers come out, I'm well on the way to being derailed myself. Shan Dar and I dance surprisingly well together even if I was half-blitzed. The Derailers are really cool, very rock-a-billy (because I refuse to admit that I ever go shit-kicking).
But here's the best part. At some point during the night Shan Dar makes friends with some guy who's a promoter for Lone Star Light (yes, apparently they have promoters) and he invited us to his place for an after-party at his place.
Yes. I went to a Lone Star Light party. But wait, it gets better. On the way to the party we pass by Django. He's totally comes over and chats us up. That's rad. Unfortunately for me he'd already given his hat away to one of the girls at the party we're about to go to. He shakes hands with us, heads out to his bus and I silently curse myself for not having perky boobs with which to lure potential rock stars to give me their accessories.
We get to the party, and being a gregarious individual, I make friends right away. With the Lone Star Light girls.
Dude, yes. I know; I can't believe it either! There is such a creature. The Lone Star Light girl. I know, I thought she was a legend, too. Right up there with Centaurs and Unicorns.
As rare a creature as the Lone Star Light girl is, in the heirarchy of beer promotion girls,the Swedish Bikini Team, the Bud girls, the Sam Adams Wenches, the Old Milwaukee dolls, and the Schlitz broads all come before the Lone Star Light girls.
We only chilled there for a little while, long enough for me to identify Wendy the Lone Star Light girl as the owner of Django's (now autographed) hat. That bitch. I totally would have done dirty things to get a cap from the lead singer of a band who shares a name with a Star Wars bounty hunter. But she beat me to it. Bitch.
I guess it's the singular perk of being a Lone Star Light girl. Cuz it certainly isn't all the free Lone Star Light.
Really, though, putting aside the fact that Wendy and her Lone Star Light girlfriends were extremely friendly, how proud can you be to be a Lone Star Light girl? It's not like you run and tell everyone what you do for a living. I bet they tell people "they promote beer" and only begrudgingly tell you which one after you pester them about it for 45 minutes. Afterwards they have to try and convince you that yes, indeed they market Lone Star Light.
Because honestly? Who would believe you if you told them you wear a tight t-shirt that says "Lone Star Light" on it in public? Then again, it is Port Aransas. When "At least we're not Flour Bluff" is your motto, it's not like you're above promoting cheap-ass beer.
Goaded into a post
13 October, 2004 at 02:06 PM by Ren | Permalink
Yeah, I haven't posted because I haven’t anything interesting to say. Still, Shandar of the Hill People has goaded me into an entry.
I know others mentioned this before me but Bravo is the GAYEST network on TV. Even gayer than Showtime. And Showtime is totally gay.
If you think about it, though, Showtime really isn’t that gay. I mean, sure they love them some hot, gay sex, but as soon as it’s over they’re all like “Will you turn out the light on your way out?” you know? Like they get all uncomfortable because they just did something they’re ashamed of.
But Bravo, they're much more subversive. See, Bravo only recently came out of the closet. They’re still in that “I love being GAY!” phase—trying out different partners, experimenting. I mean, for years we all suspected Bravo was a little bit light in the loafers what with all the Inside the Actors Studio and penchant for independent films. But no one ever said anything about it; after all, Bravo still took dates to awards shows--Lifetime one year, Oxygen the next, and We too—but Bravo was just too busy being a network to have time to date anyone seriously.
Then, it happened. Bravo exploded with gaiety all over the cable dial. And hasn’t looked back since the ratings confirmed homos were the new heteros.
But now, Bravo has gone too far. Bravo spent the other night drinking a box of wine and watching UPN and realized that America’s Next Top Model—a show about supermodel wanna-bes—just wasn’t gay enough; Bravo could do better.
I couldn’t take my eyes off it—and I don’t want to hear a single joke about boys in boxerbriefs, I expect better cracks from my listeners—it was a train wreck.
The host even got some of these potential models to do Blue Steel. Blue FUCKING Steel! The worst part was that even though the host would ask for other poses, they all gave Blue Steel. I’m not sure whether the looks were intentional or the male model wanna-bes were just that stupid. Most of them certainly seemed vapid enough not to realize the irony in it all.
Sadly, in the midst of Bravo’s hedonistic exploits of the underwear hybrid, Bravo has entered it’s “I’m so much hotter than you” mode.Tasty little snacks, such as this lad, were called ‘too fat’ to model.
Really? Too fat?
I guess I’ll never be a teen model now.
Wasting time on Wikipedia
25 October, 2004 at 03:33 PM by Ren | Permalink
I don't recall if I've ever mentioned this before, but I'm the kind of person who can waste hours reading reference books of all manner, learning about seemingly random topics.
So it's really no surprise that I've just spent the last two hours at work reading articles on Wikipedia, is it? I mean, I am a dork.
I ended up telling Freaky about my time-waster and was really surprised at how I progressed from reading an article on the People's Republic of China to Polydactyly.
I recounted the story on my progression like this: The People's Republic of China was featured on the front page under "selected anniversaries" (on this date in 1971 the PRC the Republic of China as China's representative in the United Nations); China currently occupies Tibet, which forced the Dalai Lama, the head of state to maintain a government in exile in India. India, of course, is home to the Bengal Tiger, a subspecies of tiger. Due to widespread hunting and poaching, the tiger is an endangered species. Because of the limited genetic diversity, many researchers fear inbreeding will result in the ultimate destruction of the species. Inbreeding is often caused by a population bottleneck. A commonly observed kind of population bottleneck is the founder effect, in which a few members of a species move into an area and quickly multiply. In the United States, the founder effect is the cause of polydactyly (having more than the usual number of fingers or toes) among the Amish.
I really am a dork. Mostly because from polydactyly, I can go to either Marilyn Monroe or
Ernest Hemingway and I really want to find out why Marilyn Monroe is listed with polydactyly.
Ok. I'm going to go now, because it's clear that I have to stay off the internet if I intend to get any work done today.
Death Becomes Her
26 October, 2004 at 10:43 AM by Ren | Permalink
First of all, according to dictionary.com, the plural of penis is either penises or penes.
I'm glad I could solve this mystery for you. However, a second mystery has come to light. As you may or may not notice, this site has been spattered with the blood of some unsuspecting netizen. It's also glowing unnaturally leading me to believe some supernatural force is involved. This mysterious power has a command and mastery of Photoshop and cascading style sheets, making it very, very dangerous. If you're a website. If not, you probably shouldn't worry too much.
Keep your eyes peeled though, because you may in fact, be attacked by this Photoshopping/style sheeting ghoul. It would kill you, but still leave you animated--which would make you a zombie; yet still surfing the internet--which would make you a lame zombie.
Loser. Go eat some brains!
Six Degrees
26 October, 2004 at 09:10 PM by Ren | Permalink
So, Shandar of the Hill Country People posited in previous comments the following question: what are your six degrees (or less) to other people--most notably celebrites. Because seriously you guys, who wants to know how you're connected to boring, average people?
So, without further adieu, I present to you my six degrees to the one, the only, everyone's favorite Starfleet Ensign, Wil Wheaton:
In 1996, I was lucky enough to be in the Pride of South Texas Javelina Marching Band. That year the band was invited to the NBA All-Star Game, held at the Alamodome. It was there that I peed in a urinal next to LL Cool J. After some initial shock that I was urinating next to a bona-fide celebrity, I washed my hands (just like Mom taught me) and then shook his while he was having a conversation with a fellow band mate.
Mr. Cool J starred with Josh Charles in the 'brilliant' cinematic adaptation of S.W.A.T.
Mr. Charles (who links me to cultural luminaries such as Ricki Lake, Divine, and the cast of Spyder Games) starred in Pie in the Sky with Wil Wheaton.
Bam! 3 steps to Gordie.
Now, not one to air out someone's dirty laundry (shut up, RollerMog, it's my hot body, I'll do what I want!), I will proceed to link Shandar to the one, the only, Dances With Wolves.
Shandar once had a roommate, whose name escapes me at this moment, that on at least one occasion shagged Bob Schneider, the one-time front man for the Ugly Americans/Scabs.
Dear Mr. Schneider was once engaged to the--among other things--delightfully banal Sandra Bullock. I guess that makes her the Yoko Ono of that group.
Bandwrecking antics aside, she still found time time to star in Two Weeks Notice with Alicia Witt.
I can't say I know anything Beyond Ms. Witt except that she starred in The Upside of Anger with our favorite Postman, Kevin Costner.
Wow...realizing that, I can link myself to the entire cast of The OC in five steps; I'll save that for another time though.
Feel free to do your own six degrees and post them in the comments or whatever.
Eclectic!
28 October, 2004 at 01:06 PM by Ren | Permalink
Instead of actually, you know, writing I thought I'd take a minute to point out that sometimes the music I listen to is quite varied. I got the idea from Tarier, who when she's not writing Harry Potter FanFic, or making Halloween costumes, finds time to post some interesting things she's listening to. This is a list of the most recently played music on my computer (thanks iTunes!).
These are the 36 songs currently in my Party Shuffle (the first ten have been played, 11 is currently playing, and the 25 after that are in queue:):
- Get Busy - Sean Paul
- Girly - The Refreshments
- Faith - George Michael
- How Soon Is Now? - The Smiths
- Fat Bottom Girls - Queen
- Deeper and Deeper - Madonna
- Gangster Tripping - Fatboy Slim
- Only The Lonely - Motels
- I Walk Alone - Oleander
- So Very Hard To Go - Tower of Power
- Good Foot - Justin Timberlake
- The Fire of Eternal Glory - Phantom Regiment
- I'd Die Without You - PM Dawn
- The World Is New - Save Ferris
- Lady Marmalade (Thunderpuss Club Mix) - The Girls of the Moulin Rouge
- Closing Time - Semisonic
- Tarantula - The Scabs
- I Don't Wanna Be - Gavin DeGraw
- Yuuwaku - Glay
- Big Time Sensuality - Björk
- Billie Jean - Michael Jackson
- Tainted Love - Me First And The Gimme Gimmes
- Everything Sucks - Reel Big Fish
- If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher
- After The Love - Earth Wind & Fire
- Creep - Radiohead
- Tiny Dancer - Elton John
- You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
- Legs - ZZ Top
- Just a Friend - Biz Markie
- Principal's Office - Young MC
- Peaches and Cream - 112
- Podemos Hacernos Daño - Juanes
- Locomotion - Kylie Minogue
- Careless Whisper - Wham!
- Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Michael Bublé