Ok, so yeah, I'm not graduating this semester. Kinda sucks. More like sucks the big donkey, but hey what can ya do. I guess I tried to cram to much into one semester; I really could have done it too. But once again, I messed it up. I don't know why I always fuck things up in the end, but I do. I always look at people, all studious, all serious about class, and I want so much to be like them. I have my books, I have my study guides, but somehow or another, I just let things go too far. I'll miss a class, I'll study at the last minute, you know, the usual with me. Why is it so hard to be like everyone else?
It's not like I'm stupid. I know what I have to do, and I know what I shouldn't. My friend Mike is graduating this semester, and I admire him so much. He got things together so well. I get to see him walk the stage next Saturday, and party out with him at his reception. I so know that I'm gonna get bummed that I'm not sharing in the experience. It's my own damn fault; it's really hard to deal when you've got no one else to blame but you.
I've got things set to graduate in the spring. The hardest thing I had to do was tell my mom that it wsan't going to happen this semester. Of course, she told me not to worry about it, not to take on too much, but I know she really wanted to see me up there this time. That's prolly what's really buggin' out. It's fine and dandy to fail for yourself, but I've got my family to think of, and I feel like I let them down.
College should be taken at your own pace. I know I'm not like everyone else, no matter how much I wish I could be. I've got my own way of doing things. And I know that not graduating is not the end of my world. But that doesn't comfort me when I'm watching my friends get their college rings, their diplomas, drinking copious amounts of liquor at their parties. I've really gotta pull myself together. These stupid thoughts keep my up nights (you know, like it is now) just going over and over in my head. Even if I'm just writing these things out on a silly site, it helps to just get it out there. It may not be out completely, but hey, anything is a start.
I am going to graduate. I am going to make something of myself. I am going to be the student that professors are glad to have. I am going to prove that I am not a total slacker. I will not be content with passing by the skin of my ass. For once, I'm going to be that person who people will be proud of. And dammit, I'm going to walk the stage to the tune of Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty" in chaps and a thong with my dreads hanging out my cap.
What the hell? OK, maybe not that last part.
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