You know, contrary to popular belief, it's actually kinda hard to pry my dimpled legs apart. Call it being chaste, being demure, being hard to get, but hey, a guy can't just give it up for every good looking person offering up vodka sodas, boxes of Camel Lights, and an akward morning after, except for maybe once, or five times before he's labeled. That's why my love/hate relationship with Apple is so much more delicious. I can be a whore with really cool gadgets. Let me explain.
Apple is a cock tease. It really is. They offer up cutting edge tech that literally makes people misty... down there. From the sleek iPod to the sexy Airport Express to the orgasmic Powerbook line, everything I see from Apple, I want. And believe me, I'll do what it takes to get what I want. I'm like the Evita of the tech world, baby, and don't cry for me, cuz I'm gonna get Argentina, bitch.
As I sit at my Powerbook (ancient, it's a 15" DVI model from 2002, I'm saving for a new one) wirelessly connected to my Airport Express which is streaming AirTunes as I type, I can't help but clicking my bookmark to the Apple Store and drool over the new iMac G5. I was going to get a new Powerbook, but now I want the iMac, so here I go, pricing shit in the Store to see what it's going to rape, err, cost me. But I know, I just know, as is Apple's practice, that when I finally save up enough and get the toy I want, they'll go and release an upgraded version or a new version altogether. When I get my iMac G5 sometime next year when my penny canister has been filled and emptied 400,000 times, a speed bumped iMac G5 with a 2.5 Ghz processor and a condom rack or some shit will come out. My 40 GB iPod I just got last week will be obsolete soon when 60 GB versions come out, or perhaps with Bluetooth or Airport Express connectivity standard. And then there goes poor ass me rueing the day and having to cry myself to sleep and consider whether or not to eat for a month or buy the latest.
I was never like this. I had a beat up, used Gateway laptop, I dialed up the internet, I had a freakin' Rio Volt MP3 CD player, for God's sake! I got my first hit with a slutty 10 Gb 2nd gen iPod, and from there it was over. Work bought me a Powermac G5 last year cuz I fell in love with that harlot that was Mac OS X. Then I got my Powerbook on eBay, my supplier. From there, newer iPods, the gateway to more Apple products, hence my bankrupting Airport Express which I totally bought without being able to afford, as my bank account will attest to (totally an accident, I assure you).
There's no hope for me. I am truly addicted to Apple tech. I want an iPod mini so I can have a single playlist to take with me for the hell of it. Think of it - I've got my 40 Gb'er and a sad iPod mini, or a happy iPod mini, or an acoustic iPod mini, or whatever I fancy. (These are my sad iPod mini hands!) I want an Airport Extreme Base Station, even though my Express covers the entire house and both houses on either side of me. I want the iMac G5 cuz it is the same comparable machine I have at work, only prettier. I want a new Powerbook cuz I want my keyboard to glow and bathe me in crystal meth. It's not a pretty picture. I couldn't Photoshop anything more pathetic.
So, thank you Apple. You've degenerated me into an America Undercover piece on HBO. I'm Trixie, a 39 year old crack baby with three teeth and an iron lung. Except I still have some dignity. I refuse to buy an iBook. Unless it's on sale or something. A guy's gotta have some standards.
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