September, I hardly knew ye. For real, yo, I was blitzed most of the time. I'm a little scared, y'all. I've been out so much these past weeks it's like I'm reliving college without the failing grades! I don't know what it is, but I get the itch (and not that itch, perv) and I just gotta go. And we ain't talkin' no baby Bud Light shit. We're talking full-on "Whiskey Lullaby" territory, and a bad GAC music video to boot. I'm not an alkie tho, cuz those people have to like, not drink. Fuck that.
My friend has a table reserved in her name at the bar almost every night without us having to call. That's mad crazy. And do we sit at the table? You're damn right we do. Bad karaoke to be had by all. Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah, I frequent a karaoke bar. And you can bring your own bottle. Can you see the allure? The cheapness of it all? The bad country songs, the bikers who play pool, the bouncer with the beard that touches his stomach, the lesbians who fight nightly, the guys' restroom whose tile has been broken to reveal dirt, the bottles of Crown that have died by my hand? Yeah. It's my li'l slice of heaven too.
Of course, with great drunkeness comes great consequences. And by consequences I mean straight up Garbage Pail Kids shit. Let me tell you a story. I'm at the bar, minding my own business, learning about the karaoke & DJ machine cuz my friend and I are going to fill in for a couple of nights soon, when Platinum comes up to us.
Girlfriend deserves her own fucking paragraph. (We call her Platinum on account of her bottle platinum blonde hair which is just painful. Painful.) See, Platinum is a gal who is big. She's a big girl. A really big girl. But she doesn't think she is. Platinum thinks she's a small girl. A really small girl. A small girl who wears small dresses. If you've ever seen a a big girl wearing a small, short dress, you know the horror I'm speaking of. If not, let me give you a blurry watercolor. Cottage cheese in sheer pantyhose, and a view of the fuzzy clam on either side of the thong. My, that wasn't so blurry, huh? So, Platinum's MO is that she gets there at about 8 pm every day. Every. Day. She is wasted by 10. She proceeds to mutilate Pat Benatar songs with a hoarse drunken shout. She stumbles about in heels that must be made from Krypton and rubs her ass on any guy near her. Oh, and she sits on people. You know when petite girls sit on their man's lap as a sign of affection? Platinum's ass hates everyone. And it shows when it sits on laps. She sat on the DJ, she sat on some biker, and she sat on me.
She sat on me, yo. And it's not so much a "sit" as it's a "flop". Like when you just fall into a chair. My ankle's been through hell enough without your ass hammering my leg into the ground like a train spike. She burps, she laughs, looks back and tells me how drunk she is. For real? I couldn't tell with the dancing and the skirt hiking and all. She musters her strength and gets up and stumbles back to her table.
By this time, I'm like, let's go, cuz I can't take that again. On the ride home we're laughing, we're having fun, we're living in Candyland, until I rest my hand on my leg. God, I can't believe I'm telling you this. My hand is wet, and by the, oh lord, smell of it, someone else was wet too. Seriously, who does that? Who gets all riled up by wiggling around on guys to leave the fruits of their labor on my lap? Really?
Andrew done lost his shit. I'm crying. We're talking tears. I'm gagging and spitting out the window, my friend is spraying apple body spray on my lap and blinding me, I'm choking, I'm still crying. I jet from her car and run to my house, throwing up a little over the side of the porch, stripping the minute I get inside and proceed to burn my lower areas with hot water and soap. After the scalding, I inch slowly to my defiled pants and I throw them the hell away. Even if I washed them 10 times, I'd still gross out looking at them, let alone wearing the son of a bitch. My friend later tells me she could see the huge ass stain as I got out of the car, which is enough to send my lunch up again. A week later she's still sitting on people, and I just shudder and look away.
So you see, you gotta take the good with the bad, Tootie. And I know I'm going to hell, there's prolly a table reserved for me there too, so I don't feel so bad that if that chick ever comes up to me again wanting to make me a chair, I'd so tell her that I don't want to be stained by budussy again.
I really liked those pants too.
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