I think it’s so funny when I write entries like this. I know all of us have had these conversations, and I know that all of us have thought about it too. But just the mere act of committing it to text just cracks my shit up. Why is it so easy to share stuff with complete strangers that I wouldn’t share with people I know? Well, then again, I tell people I know crazy ass stories about what happened to me. “Girl, let me tell you how I threw up in an alley and got offered pot!” or “Remember when I swung a toilet lid above my head?” or “I tripped on a step and fell into a pillar!” I guess that trashes that theory!
And on that note, I have to say, there’s a fine art to pooping. I like to poop. I’m glad I poop on a regular basis. I’m a regular guy. It sure beats not being one and having to have a freakin’ enema. That’s kinda like using a knife to make the ketchup come out. And did we need that visual? No. But that’s just for us.
I am not ashamed to poop. I will go when I need to. Forget that dainty shit about “Oh no, I can only go at home!” Uh-huh. I ain’t gonna hold it for hours. I am not going to impact my bowels for gentility. The call of nature was meant to be heeded. (Although, I do draw the line at going at bars. Something about not having a stall and having to hold my pants up so I don’t mop up the yellow water just makes me cry inside.) And everyone has their routine. I usually like to take a poop before I take my shower in the morning. There’s nothing worse than coming out of the shower and feeling that distinctive rumble, that clarion call of “Oh hell, momma’s gotta go!”. That sucks buckets full of ass. Cuz you know after I’m done I’m taking a shower again; that’s like it negated the first one. It all adds up, believe me.
This all leads up to several universal truths about pooping. Those mythic rules and covenants that hold up even in the darkest times when toilets flush themselves and hand dryers actually work.
Rule #1. Someone will always walk in on you. I may be very sharing on the net, but when it’s time for pooping, it’s all me up in here. I do not need you up in my space. I do not need you to pee in the stall right next to me. I do not need you to knock on my door. I do not need you to take ten minutes to wash your hands before you leave. But invariably, despite my best efforts in finding the most secluded restroom on campus, I will make a friend. My friend will always pick the exact time when I’m in the midst of giving birth or when I have to, for lack of a better descriptor, rip. I freeze when someone comes in. Green light, red light, freeze. I don’t want someone to hear me, cuz if they know what I’m doing, I’ll have to wait like ten minutes after they leave so they don’t see me coming out. It’s one thing to not have shame about pooping, but it’s another to have everyone else know too (Aww shit, I just blew that one, now didn’t I?). Whilst I’m frozen, my friend will take forever to do his business. Excuse me, sir? I have to finish. It’s not like pinching one off is easy. It’s like a dam; once it’s open, it’s open. Can you hurry it up? I can only imagine the fucked up scrunchy faces I’m making.
What’s even worse are the people who decide they need to go too, like they’ve had some sort of Pavlovian response to my pooping or something. Why do you pick the stall next to me? So we can hold hands and get through this together? I don’t need a Lifetime Movie of the Week hug afterwards, seriously. And the guy next to me is always noisier than me. I’ve never heard the human body make such damn crazy squeaks in my life – I know I don’t sound like that. Are you pinching a balloon as it lets out its air in there? I’ll finish as fast as I can and zip the hell out of there, cuz post-poop eye contact? No thanks. We’re not that close.
Rule #2. The toilet paper is rigged. I can appreciate cost-cutting measures. I understand low-flow toilets. I can deal with cheap ass soap in the dispensers. I can even cope with no paper towels. But do not be chintzy with the paper, amigo. I just do not understand why the toilet paper roll clicks and gives me one sheet at a time. Who uses one sheet of toilet paper? Are you serious? Like I’m going to measure the width of my crack and dole out paper accordingly? I wrap my hand up like a mummy before I go spelunking, my friend. I gross out with bird poop, you think I’m not going to vom using one freakin’ square? I don’t think so. There is no need for me to have to take toilet paper off the roll with the precision and steady hand of a neurosurgeon. Lord knows if I fuck up, I gotta start again cuz you can’t wrap three measly squares and expect to do a good job. And I’m there to get the job done and get the job done right.
Rule #3. Something will go wrong. Call it karma, call it Murphy’s Law, call it dumb ass luck. Something will go crazy. For instance, I’m a flusher. I do not stew in my soup. I don’t want it right next to me like I’m a dog proud of my kill. It’s going down. I always get the toilet that flushes with aplomb. Great freakin’ amounts of aplomb. As much as I’m enraptured by bidets, I don’t need one in a public restroom. It’s good that it works but honestly, I don’t need the cold water up in those parts just right now. What do you even call that, post anal drip? Needed visual, again? Nah.
I’ve had kids playing in the restroom before while I’m indisposed. Granted, I was at Fiesta Texas, but aren’t there more interesting water rides you can go on than the Urinal Falls? Are you going to ride that little pink pee cake down the hall? Those kids decided to have fun and knock on my door and ask “Who’s in there?”. Sorry, I’m not in the mood for a social call, all out of tea and cookies. Can you please get the fuck out? If you can’t find your father, go out and cry in the middle of the park like normal kids. Geez.
I’m also not large with the conversation. No words are needed in the restroom, fella. I’ve had an abnormally tall man take the stall next to me (again, why?) who just so happened to be able to see me. It’s not my fault you’re so freakishly tall, I didn’t make you like that, God did. But it still doesn’t give you the right to say “Hey”. Come on, for real? Even a nod of the head would’ve been out of line. What do you say back? “Yeah man, just tying one on.” Again, eye contact. No.
As I walk back to my office, feeling a bounce in my step that can only come from lightening the load, and the world is all sunshine and puppies, I can only wonder how many people know not what they do. Is there a poop etiquette book? Is it on Amazon? If you’ve ever committed any of these infractions, shame on you. If you’ve been the victim, I feel your pain. And if you still feel like a shameful dirty girl about going in a public restroom, remember this: just like holding in a sneeze will become a fart, holding in a poop will become… something not good. Yeah it was a thing, analogy, you know.
Shut up.
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